Lived Experience Forum

[JSP1]

I've been facing my issues for 13 years. A lot of that time I was aware of my issues but didn't do much to fix them. In the past few years, I've made a lot of progress. I have a stable job with bosses and colleagues who love and treat me well. I've gotten better at socialising - still not fantastic and can get anxious, but not as much as before. The people in my life have nothing but good things to say about me.

The one thing that I have not had in the past 13 years is love, dating, romance. I haven't had it because for the most part, I haven't gone after it. It could be a cop-out for my avoidance, but I want a happy and healthy relationship and to be in one, you need to be happy and healthy yourself. So I've been a work in progress for a long time.

But I'm starting to think that for a while now I would have been enough for a nice woman, it's just me that I have not been enough for. I'm trying to be perfect, but it will never be enough. I'll fix all my superficial flaws - it won't be enough. I'll have friends tell me that I'm a great guy, attractive, sweet, sexy - they must be lying or just trying to be nice.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore because I don't even know what it would be like to feel enough. 
How would you describe your feeling of enough? The feeling that lets you put yourself out there and gets people to love you in the way that I've been missing.

[j___________]

Have you heard of ‘toxic positivity’? That you must love yourself before anyone else can love you? This is a dangerous concept as we are often our worst critics and believing that you’re ‘not enough’ is very damaging to your sense of self.
I can’t really comment any further as I have never had a healthy relationship. I’ve chosen partners that aren’t willing to face their own issues. It sounds like you know yourself pretty well and are committed to bettering yourself. If you feel you have love to give just be open with any potential partner and just ensure that you can communicate with them and they with you. Best wishes.

[tyme]

Hey @JSP1 ,

I'm feeling you. I think I was in a similar place where I really didn't go after it (probably due to avoidance) because I don't think I wanted to even live with myself, let alone expect anyone else to. My mental health took away those vital years when most people settle down with a family. During that time, I was battling to stay alive!

Then it came to the point where I said that maybe it's just not for me. Yes I have a stable job. I'm in a really good place with my mental health. I'm on top of life in most aspects, yet I haven't made time to go out and interact, date, etc. 

We were only having this conversation the other night here on the forums. You can read it here Grieving having not had children . Not sure if you can relate to what is posted there.

[JSP1]

Seems there’s never good timing for these things. My problems took away my teens and early twenties where everyone was learning how to hook up, date, and exploring love outside of a school yard.

I’m 27 now. I know your 20s should not be the best years of your life, and that I still have plenty of time. I’m just embarrassed by my inexperience and overwhelmed by the lack of structure in dating.

I like structure. Knowing a catalogue of things to say in different situations is something that I desperately want, but know doesn’t exist.

Inability to accept parts of my past and uncertainty of how to proceed further is a recipe for avoidance.

[tyme]

Yes! That's exactly how I felt - MH took away my late teens and early 20s.... now I'm nearly forty and I'm still avoiding everything... hence I've resigned to the fact that it's not for me @JSP1 

At the same time, have you actively gone out to connect with people?

[JSP1]

I was doing really well in that area a couple years ago. I was trying to go out with friends from uni, going to clubs, trying dating apps, groups, etc. Eventually, I even started ballroom and latin dance. There I met someone who I was enamoured with, but she was never going to want me. 

I've lost about two years of my life to thoughts of her - wondering why the best version of myself that anyone had seen in a decade still wasn't enough. I even know that we wouldn't have lasted long were we to get together. Her friendship was so powerful that I couldn't stop wondering what the real thing would have felt like.

I essentially did nothing with my life in 2023 due to the pain of that relationship.

I can't let 2024 go the same way.

[tyme]

That sounds very hard @JSP1 

Can you think of things you can do now to help you move forward in a direction you want? 

[Xibon]

Hey @JSP1, thank you so much for posting ❤️

I'm so sorry you've had to endure feelings of distress and anxiety for well over a decade. I want to extend my admiration for you regarding the progress you've made in your recovery, and am so glad that you feel fulfilled in your work life, and friends who care for you and see you for the worthy person you are.

I've been in your position before re-dating. It can certainly be lonely, and I'm sorry you're feeling like you're not enough. The truth is you're already enough, both for yourself and for others. The expectation we put on ourselves that we must 'love' ourselves before tying to dating can be really damaging. But the truth is that becoming 'enough' isn't about becoming 'perfect'. It's about accepting that no-one, literally no a single person, is perfect. We are all so terribly flawed, and many of us are insecure about parts of our personalities. Above all you are worthy of love just as you are.

I don't know if this will help you, but something which has made me feel 'enough' was learning about attachment theory. There's some academic work to read by the original theorists Bowlby & Ainsworth (and many others), but it can be pretty turgid and a bit psycho-babbly.

I've found a few YouTube channels, such as Heidi Priebe's (https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1), particularly helpful in understanding attachment and healing. Again, this might not be your cup of tea, which is totally fine! It's just something I've found very helpful.

As to your last question, for me personally; the feeling of being enough feels like not being lonely when I'm alone 🙂

Sending love and hoping you treat yourself with kindness. Thanks for reaching out here, and you deserve good things ❤️

[Xibon]

@JSP1 to build on what I've said earlier, have you heard of the concept of limerance? At its most basic it is emotional regulation through the fantasy that a particular person might want us. It's more than a crush, however. I think limerance in the context of attachment theory might help to understand some of what you're currently feeling - it certainly has for me.

[Rylee13]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing. I have had to deal with the inner core damage of never being perfect enough, and never being good enough to be loved and to be honest, it is the deepest pain I have ever had to face in my life. I always blamed myself for being abandoned and alone… and wondered what I was doing wrong all the time. I used to desperately need and want validation and approval to ‘be enough’ and could never really work out why people didn’t value me the way I needed and wanted to. I have had to work on this for decades and I am now coming to the realisation that the whole core belief of ‘being enough’ to be loved and wanted and cherished and valued is a lie. I always was ‘enough’- as you are. Once I found the core belief (or lie) that I ‘wasn’t enough’ and began to face my fears and sit with my pain, the whole false standard of what ‘enough’ looks like and behaves like lost its power. I hope today you know you are, and always were and will be ‘enough’ as an incredibly unique human and gift to this world. You matter.