When someone is upset with your boundaries

[Lily25]

Hello,

I found myself these days in a big healing space where im trying to put boundaries in place due to needing to be and feel safe.

I am a survivor of domestic/family violence and I have had to put in boundaries though when I do I get scared because this one person acts heartbroken and turns angry.

I feel the need to fix things and make the other person feel better ( its my best and worse trait).

This is hard, I feel tired and scared now 

But I knkw it's the right move.

[Walkoneggshells]

Hi  lily25

Sorry to hear about your experience with domestic violence. I am also in a volatile relationship. I keep reminding myself that he is the one with the problem. I cannot fix him. It is up to him to control his behaviour. His throwing a tantrum is not your problem or mine. The men that get unreasonably upset about little things especially around controlling us is their issues. You should not have to put up with their behaviour. I keep myself safe and remove myself from the situation, till he calms down. Keeping yourself safe and looking after your mental health are so important. Hope this helps.

[Ru-bee]

Hello @Lily25 and welcome to the forums.

Setting boundaries is a difficult thing, it takes real courage and strength sometimes - especially when it's quite new to you. I too share that trait of wanting to always make others feel better and fix any issues sometimes to my own detriment. I've been working on setting more boundaries in the past year and can report from my own experience that it gets easier with time and practice, but boy is it uncomfortable at the start!

Good on you for firstly being able to recognise that these boundaries are needed, and for standing firm even when it feels uncomfortable and you face some push back.

I do just want to clarify, when you say that you're feeling scared, is this person that you're currently setting boundaries with making you feel unsafe? 

Thank you for sharing here and for being a part of the forums community

[Lily25]

Hey @Ru-bee 

So I have in the past put boundaries in place but a showed a pattern of becoming to exhausted to keep them firm, the person I speak about is an ex and I co-parent with.

This person has mentally and emotionally abused me and my child.

And now that I have been given my own home I am safe but when we do the swap he isn't respectful.

He was in the start but now it's back to same old patterns.

He doesn't respect that I have said I don't with to accompany him to any events or as simple as going shopping but he doesn't like me saying no he doesn't want me to move on.

And when he feels I reject him he gets very rude, acts very victim like and his feelings are his own... of course but it's scary because he gets suicidal, he becomes more clingy makes me feel as unsafe as when we were together.. when I fell for the poor me act in the relationship.

I guess it's just hard for me because I suffer from fight and flight responsive and this stuff happens as we are swapping custody of our child and because he's upset the child gets emotional and doesn't wanna leave and it's just hard.

I hope that explains abit

[Ru-bee]

Ah I understand @Lily25 that's a very difficult position to be in and certainly brings additional complexity. 

Reading this I want to echo @Walkoneggshells words that his actions and reactions are his own and are not something you can be responsible for. While those threats to his own safety are scary to hear, that sort of behaviour is manipulative and very unfair to put on you. Of course if you do believe that he is in serious danger of hurting himself then emergency services should be contacted (000), though even in this situation this would absolutely not be the fault of you and your boundaries. 

I hear that enforcing these boundaries is exhausting at times, and I again want to celebrate your strength in stating them when this comes up. I wonder if you have any practices or supports that you can lean on when these boundaries are leaving you feeling tired, things or people who help to fill your cup again, so to speak? 

[Lily25]

@Ru-bee 

I am practising to remember actions and reactions are his own.

In the past I was known to people please and it is something I am growing away from.

Thank you I am quite proud of how much I have come in a short amount of time and try hard not to judge myself.

I am speaking to a psychologist starting today which is I feel why my own emotions are elevated today.

I have missed opportunities to get healthy support when I've needed but I have been doing alot of ground work with myself over the years and am now getting professional help.

[Ru-bee]

It sounds as though you're taking some really great steps @Lily25 

It can be hard to do, and it's understandable that having your first appointment would be making things feel elevated. I really hope the appointment goes well, those first ones can be tough. I wonder if there's anything nice and nurturing that you might be able to do for yourself afterwards to give yourself that bit of extra care if needed, or to thank yourself for taking this step?

[MJG017]

Hi @Lily25.  I'm sorry to hear what you're having to deal with and you've done so well to set these boundaries.  I can't really suggest much else other than what @Ru-bee  and @Walkoneggshells have already said.  But as a bit of an expert of people-pleasing myself, I thought a few tricks I've learnt may help in dealing with the tantrums of your ex.

I always feel like, in the moment of the confrontation I react emotionally.  Basically as a trauma response and I just want to say whatever the other person wants to hear.  So I now take some time before answering.  It gives me some time to let that emotional reaction subside enough that I can reply with more thought rather than feeling.  Even just saying you need some time to get back to him with a reply is fair enough if you feel you need to.  Even having some responses noted down that you've prepared beforehand can make it easier in the moment you need it.   It might be to just say that you're choosing to keep the boundary for you own well-being, or that you understand it may be difficult for him, but you need to do it to feel safe.  Keep them about yourself and what you need rather than directed at them or their reactions as this will keep the focus on what you need rather than placing any blame.

As you've already said, his reactions are out of your control and are completely up to him.  You need to do what is best for you and your well-being.  Hopefully in time he will learn that you are strong enough to maintain these boundaries and his outbursts can no longer manipulate you into relenting and he will stop trying.  Again, this is up to him and him alone.  Stay strong, and keep doing what is best for you and your child.  So keep reminding yourself that by sticking to your boundaries and being firm, is not only the best for you, but ultimately the best for you ex as he needs to move on himself and well... just grow up a bit.  You've certainly already dealt with enough already.