Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[roses1]

My son lives interstate from me and has BPD traits.  He has just rung me up again (it happens regularly) to say he is leaving his wife, it's all over unless he "blows himself up" before he gets home.  He then just hung up, which he doesn't usually do.  How do you cope with this?  I can't physically check on him, and I sit here (I live on my own) worried sick.  Should I ring backor just wait until he contacts me again?  Although this has happened before and things have calmed down, I am always worried this is the time he will do something bad.

[roses1]

Ok... probably crisis over already, but the question remains how do you cope with phine calls like this.  Does anyone have suggestions as to how to calm down the emotions that are obviously overwhelming him?

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @roses1

I wish that I could tell you how to, but to be honest i am not sure that it is possible for you to calm him.

But i am wondering if just by calling you and expressing himself he is 'being calmed', that maybe thats what he needed? the very act of calling, feeling heard and you caring relieves the intensity?

Have you ever spoken to him when he is in a calm state and asked him what he needs at these times when he rings? he may have some insight into it?

[roses1]

Thank you @Fancy_Pants. I think you are probably right, but it takes its toll on me.  I have tried to speak to him when calm but he doesn't appear to have any insight into his condition.  He claims to understand how others feel but never applies it to himself.  Counsellors and his case manager from many years ago (he doesn't have one now) told me to not engage with him when he is like that, tell him I can't help and will hang up, then do so.  I really can't come at doing this.  Has any one else been told this, and have they found it effective?

[Determined]

Hi @roses1

I have been in similar situations in the past  with my wife who has BPD ringing me at work. I agree that it is impossible to engage when she is like this but would never personally hang up. I just try and listen and let her know I am there when she wants to have a calm discussion. I agree it is very  draining. I at least had the opportunity to go home and check on her if I was really concerned but still found it very wearing. 

[roses1]

@Determined I'm glad I'm not the only one who won't hang up.  Sometimes I feel people think I am spoiling him or something.  I have seen that many attitudes have changed over the years regarding BPD, but there are still so many judgements made.

[Waterlily]

HI@Roses1, 

I have had these types of calls normally when I am at work....I personally would neve r hang up. I think they may help diffuse wharever drama is happening for my daughter by unloading her stress. However I am getting pretty good at distancing myself from the emotion in these calls and try to validate whatever she might be saying. I only offer advice if she asks for it. I however live not far from her so can physically check on her if she is making self-harm comment. If I couldnt contact her I may ask police to do a welfare check? Does your son know how much these calls upset you? I agree - they are incredibly upsetting.

[roses1]

@Waterlily Yes he knows they upset me, but seems to have no capacity for empathy.  I agree he uses the calls as a way to diffuse his emotion.  Should he be learning to use other methods? He just doesn't seem to be able to get out of the cycle of blaming everyone else, then saying there is nothing he can do- he has ruined his life, then back to blaming everyone else.  I practice self care, (relaxtion etc) to get over the distress, but you just really wish they could be happy.

[Waterlily]

@roses1 you ask should you call him back? Can you text him? I often find my daughter is too upset to talk but will text. If really worried I may text something like "can you let me know you are okay? I am worried about you". She knows if I don't hear back from her within a reasonable time frame things will ramp up a level, I.e I may call her flatmate, go around there etc. Once again this is part of an arrangement we have made when she has been in a calm state.

[Determined]

Hi @roses1 how are you doing today?

I have been thinking of you and trust things are ok for you and your son.