Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jjaded]

Hello and thanks for listening

I divorced my X husband a few years ago after a 2 year separation. I divorced him due to his alcoholism and verbal and emotional abuse of me and the children. Also his absolute REFUSAL to get any type of mental health support.

He made a couple of half hearted suicide attempts when we were together. After these he was precsribed mediaction but never took it. He would behave for a bit after these events, but eventually returned to the abuse. He never stopped drinking or using pot during these times either.

He is now living in another state. He is alone. Not working. Not receiving any income support from Centrelink and rapidly spending the money he got from our divorce settlement (he got HALF of a substantial amount).

I know that he has "given" his money to a female friend of the family. I used to be her friend too but once she started enabling him and encouraged him to move states (and thus away from his children without telling them he was moving), I had to end the friendship. They are not in a relationship.

The "family friend" now doles out his money to him. He also uses this money to pay rent to live in a house she owns! So not only is he paying her 2nd mortgage from his money, she is also spending it on whatever she likes. They do not have a legal arrangment regarding this money.

Now, I DO NOT care if or if they are not in a relationship. I have totally moved on and am happy.

I know from my kids that he is seeing a mental health professional but my experience with my X is that he will not acknowledge his alcoholism - despite two inpatient detoxes and rehabs (where he came out drinking a beer...).

Is there any point in me contacting his local mental health centre and talking to someone there about my concerns with the financial arrangement? I know how this woman operates and I know she is blowing his money.

I don't want my kids to have to deal with sorting this out when the you-know-what kits the fan and it will because after 20 plus years of being married to this man I know how he operates. Without any treatment of his alcoholism and being precsribed sleeping pille etc. (kids have seen them) he is ripe to be taken advantage of.

And yes, I am a member of AlAnon and yes, I have dealt with my own co-dependency and enabling issues.

I will add that I do not need or want his money. I have plenty of my own and was always the main income earner in our relationship.

[Lunar]

Hello there @Jjaded,

Welcome to the forums, thank you for sharing your experiences with your ex partner and his mental health concerns, it sounds like he is possibly in a situation where he is being taken advantage of, which could be because of his mental health and alcohol use, and you are finding yourself wanting to stop that getting worse but unsure of how to support him so things don't get worse. This is also tricky as he is not close and is your ex partner but is the father to your children which is important to you and his role in their lives.

As far as contacting the mental health team, they are only able to intervene if he is at risk of harm to himself or others, or is in danger himself and that does not so much cover financial matters unless he is able to get a guardian for his money which would need to be on grounds that he is too unwell to look after his money. With the mental health team, the person has to be immediantly at risk for them to do an assessment, otherwise if he already has a GP or doctor you could contact them to give them the information on what is currently happening.

Other than that, the best thing to do to support him through this would be, being aware of how much you are willing to intervene without burning yourself out and support him as a friend and mother of his children by keeping the line of communication open to check in on him and how he is doing.

I guess you could maybe think about the situation he is in and what kind of support he would want right now based on support he has responded well tp in the past, also so that he still feels in control of his life and money and can make choices but also having someone to talk to about that.

How does any of that sound to you?

Lunar

[BeHappy]

It makes sense that he's your ex, but you still care and concerned about him.

How is the relationship between the two of you? Are you able to have frank and upfront conversation with him about you feel about his financial situation and living arrangements? Alternatively, it could help to get in contact with his friends and family to see if they can chat with him.