Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Hello123]

I have been living with my partner who had depression for a few years now. It all came to a head about 7 months ago. He has had a lot of trouble with getting the right medication then as a quick fix was taking high amounts of sleeping tablets and other muscle relaxers. It got to a point where i did not feel i could take care of him and he was not well enough to help care for our 10 month old baby boy. <br>He sae a psychiatrist who then referred him to a psychiatric hospital as an emergency admission. He spent 5 weeks away from me and our son. He is home now but seems to be struggling with life he wont go back to work yet and isnt really wanting to be very involved in family life. I need the father of my child to be fully in to us or i dont feel our relationship will last. We need full time wages and to all get up everyday and live life at this stage i may have to come off being a full time mum and get a full time job. I feel the spark has gone from us and i am not feeling like i know him anymore i am upset most days and worry our relationship will not survive. <br>Does anyone else have similar feelings about their relationship? And I feel so guilty all the time even feeling the way that i do.

[lola]

Hi Hello 123

Lola here, one of the moderators ...welcome to the forum!

Thank you for taking the time to reach out to our members.You have shown a lot of strength in coming to the forums and seeking help.Here you will find a lot of wisdom and experience that may help you at this difficult time in your life.  And I am sure you will get some replies soon.

I look forward to 'seeing' you around on the forums

take care

lola

[Determined]

Hi @Hello123

Welcome to forum, how are things for you today?

I have tried to be cautious in my reply here as it is a sensitive issue so please understand that my thoughts relate to my situation and feelings reagarding my relationship so in no way do I want to make you feel bad for your feelings or imply that you are in any way wrong.

My wife has struggled with anxiety and depression for most of our marriage (18 years) During this time she has often struggled to engage with our family or provide me with any support or encouragement in my times of need. With an official diagnosis of depression around 10 - 12 years ago and a more recent diagnoses of borderline personality disorder (5 years? ago), she too has been hospitalised 4 times in recent years. We have 3 children between the ages of 1 and 12.

I am embarrassed to admit that I have wondered if I could sustain our relationshipand at times have wondered if we didn't have children, could I have accepted our circumstances and continued in our relationship. I come from a different perspective though that I am supposed to be the provider (currently taken time out to study) so do not have concerns about my darling not working, an added complexity to your circumstance. 

I cant say that it gets any easier but what I can say is that times of crisis pass and for me at least it has been worth it to stick things out and support my darling the best I can. I have to admit that in hindsight I have often failed at this in many areas and could have done much better to avoid our times of crisis.  

The most important thing I can suggest is that your partner can get the support he needs, if you are not happy with an outcome don't be afraid to seek a second opinion (my experience), and equally important is that you also seek some support and counselling for yourself. (I personally find it easier to talk to a impartial councillor than family or friends as I don't like to feel like I am whinging about my darling as I feel she deserves better) I personally did not seek any support for myself until after I had a complete burnout and meltdown myself, something I regret as it could have been avoided if I had followed some practical advice.

A key thing that has helped me in times of crisis is to separate my wife's illness from the person I fell in love wiht and married and accept that it is not easy for her either. She is a beautiful person with a beautiful personality, it is just that her illness sometimes robs her of that and steals her away form our family. Still not easy in a crisis but it helps.

I trust this has been of some help and would be happy to answer any specific questions.

All the best

[Hello123]

Today was our sons first birthday and my partner wouldnt leave the house or get off the couch all day. i went on a family day out without him which really upset me. i am struggling to understand that everything is due to his depression and anxiety and feel its because he doesnt want to be a family and he doesnt love us anymore and we dont make him happy. its so hard after months and months of the same thing and so many dissapointments to totally know that its due to his illness. i am trying very hard to sypmpathise but find things so one sided and totally on his terms depending on how he is feeling that day. just struggling to see that man i fel in love with and that man who i couldnt wait to have a baby with. all in all not a good few days where as they should have been some really great times celebrating my son turning 1. 

[Determined]

Hi @Hello123

Sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.

I don't want to minimise or diminish what you are feeling at all but thought some more of my story for what it is worth may help. I was reminded only tonight (my wife brought it up in an unrelated discussion) of a time when I was not unlike what you are describing in your partner, the only difference being I was working in full time employment at the time.

During this period in our lives I was not in a good space and no matter how hard I tried was unable to engage with our family, I too missed family activities and when I did tag along I was there in body only.  Our children at the time were ~ 6 & 8. 

This was raised tonight as one of the children commented on how grumpy I looked in a family photo. I bitterly regret and resent the lost time with my family during this time due my inability to cope. I say this only to encourage you that your partner is likley aware of the situation but just lacks the strenght at the moment to overcome it . This is unlikley to help you at the moment however I just wanted to encourage you that things can get better.