Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Twinings]

Can anyone give me some tips to help support a daughter who starves herself and then blames being forced to eat as a trigger for her sessional over eating?  At the moment I'm just trying to keep her physically well as are all the professionals, so not much left to address the terrible impact overeating has on her mental well being.  Stopped work for a while to care for her, trying to help her function and get back into normal life like work and study but apparently that is not enough understanding for her.  Last night I had dinner with friends and got a little tipsy but apparently I was out of control, she couldnt wake me in the night to cry about what she had done and so I'm the one with a problem.  Help!!!!

[Lunar]

Hello @Twinings

That sounds incredibly difficult when you are really trying to do the best for your daughter and her eating food is so important for her health and recovery, no wonder you aren't coping very well.

It does seem like her blaming you with these things is a reflection of her mental health at the moment, and she is receiving support for this.

What kind of support do you have for yourself? It's great you are on the forums, but do you have friends/family or self-care in place to help cope?

Lunar 

[Twinings]

hi @Lunar

yes it is symptomatic of her mental illness but until we get her to accept that the way she eats is adding to her issues we cant address it.  and at the moment i cant be the one she should speak to because im just trying to bring her physically back from the brink.  i think im looking after myself and seeking support.  We had a bad day yesterday because her psychologist hadnt booked us in to meet so an outlet other than me to vent to was lost.  o well. xx

[Lunar]

I'm glad you are looking after yourself, and seeking support @Twinings.

It's great you have the insight that yesterday was a bad day and she used you as an outlet to vent, are you able to reflect that to her when these things happen so she understands and gains more insight as to why she is reacting that way and venting on you, and possibly not getting the reaction she wants because she is saying it in an angry way?

[Twinings]

Hi @Lunar

When she is sad and angry I can't say anything to her to agree or at least empathise that how she is treating me is not right.  She thinks we are forcing her to eat and that is the sole cause of her overeating sessions.  Another bad day early this morning.  No one had been 'riding' her at all as we had decided to let her make her own decisions.  Then she had to own the consequences.  She had dinner and had some fruit.  We made nothing of it although deep inside we were so happy to see her eat.  We went to bed and she got me up at 1 a.m. I'm always calm at the beginning.  She always says that it is everyones fault and wants everyone to 'leave her the hell alone'.  I try to reason, to tell her that she made all the calls today in how she was going to eat so how could it be our fault? But then with the constant barrage of 'I can function without food' diatribe, I lose it and tell her I can't keep being her support if I'm getting hammered like that.

She has enrolled at university, she has just landed a part time job.  She is compromising everthing she wants to do, and things that could help her get back out in the real world.  I know she is so sad, but I need her to acknowlege that she is making all of us sad too. xx

[EDV]

Hi there @Twinings,

Firstly, I'd like to say that you are doing a very good job as a mother. Caring for a loved one with an eating disorder is a difficult process, but it's great to see that you've reached out to the SANE forum for extra support during this tough time.

It can be very confusing when you're doing everything you can to look after your loved one's health, and yet they still seem to "blame" you for the difficulties they are experiencing. This is a very common situation seen within eating disorders and we hear similar things from many of callers. Although this can be extremely frustrating and difficult to understand, it is important to remember that this is a mental illness - it is irrational and often a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviour might not make sense to those around them. It can be helpful for both your family and your daughter to remind yourselves that your daughter's disorder is separate to herself. Your daughter is still there, but so is the illness right now. And some of the things she might say are the illness coming into play, not her. Your daughter may feel even more supported knowing that you understand that 🙂

It can also be helpful to seek practitioners who have specific experience with eating disorders, as they have an added level of understanding and empathy. I'm not sure how satisfied you and you daughter are with the professionals your daughter is currently seeing, but if you're interested in seeking some other contacts please don't hesitate to call our helpline number (1300 550 235) during 9-5 on weekdays, or shoot us an email with the area in which you live (help@eatingdisorders.org.au) and we can find some GP's and psychologists with ED experience who are located as close as possible to you!

I also wanted to add that support groups can be a good way for parents to seek support from others who are experiencing similar situations. Eating Disorders Victoria run support groups for family and friends of people with an eating disorder in a variety of areas, as well as support groups for those in recovery from an eating disorder. If you're interested in attending one of our support groups, please call or email us and to register to a group 🙂

Again, you're doing a great job, keep it up and remember that recovery is always possible!