Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

Hi everyone

Feeling a little low today as today marks 12 years since my Dad passed away at 57 years old.
I am not wanting to complain, vent or seek sympathy here, (I know I have been on a venting a lot lately), I just want to talk about Dad, something I have not been able to do in a while.

Dad died 1 week after my first child was born, his first grandchild. While he did get to hold his grandson once or twice he was so unwell I’m not sure if he was aware or not. As I see my boys grow and learn and processing new experiences I can’t help contemplate how much Dad has missed and how much they are missing, he would have made an awesome pa.

Someone asked me recently if my dad and I were close, it made me sad that I could not immediately answer the question. I was very fortunate growing up to have a mum and a dad who loved me deeply and would do anything to provide for their children and often went without in order to provide for us so I am most thankful and fortunate for that.

So why was it so hard to answer, ‘were we close’?
While Dad loved me greatly (of this I have little doubt) he often was unable to express this and mostly I felt that nothing I did was good enough, no matter how hard I tried I could have done better.
I think that in reality we were close, I just craved a different level of closeness. (Does that make sense?)

After Dad died my life fell apart in so many ways (related and unrelated) partly because I never took the time to properly grieve, rather buried myself in work so I didn’t have to deal with my grief. One thing that makes this hard nowis a lack of closure as there is not a traditional memorial (ie in a cemetery) for Dad, mum has a memorial in her house. I don’t blame her for this, it just hasn’t helped me in the way of closure is all.

When my children were younger they used to ask about Dad a lot, unfortunately I was never able to answer their questions as it was too upsetting for me, after a while they stopped asking. Sometimes I find this harder. And even if they did ask I have buried everything soo deep I can’t find the answers anyway. Something I am contemplating as we have another baby who will grow and most likely wonder about his pop and want to ask questions.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I love my Dad and believe that he loved me and did the best he could to make me and all of my siblings feel loved.

[soul]

Hi @Determined, I can empathise with what you are feeling. My Dad's been gone for 8 years next month and there's hardly a day that goes by when I don't think about him. He and my son share the same birthday. He lived to be 83 years old. He had multiple health problems and suffered from dementia during the latter part of his life.

We weren't close growing up. He came to Australia as a migrant and worked hard in menial employment to provide for his family, taking all the overtime he could. He retired early as he experienced heart problems as well as pyschological ones stemming from trauma suffered whilst he was a prisoner of war for three and a half years. He was often bitter and cranky and very one sided in his viewpoints.

It wasn't until he was pretty much totally debillitated and I was looking after him that we became close - actually he became the father I always wanted him to be. He was appreciative of every little thing I did for him and he smiled a lot. He seemed to be more at peace. Eventually he decided he had had enough of this life and wanted to die which was difficult to witness.

How we remember somone differs from person to person. Dad was cremated and I have a small part of his ashes in a memorial pendant that I wear on each anniversary. The remainder of his ashes were spread at one of his favourite locations so I am planning on going there again this year. I also remember when I look at the only possession I have of him - his old clunky typewriter that was going to be thrown out. A favourite food of his, a piece of music, someone with similar hair can bring back fond memories. He's in my heart.

I'm sure your Dad loved you in his own way and would want you to happy with your family. My kids were lucky enough to remember some special anecdotes about their Opa. Perhaps you could write down some precious memories about your father and share them with your family. 

[Determined]

Thank you @soul for your thoughts,

I have not doubt my dad loved me and my siblings very much and did the best he knew how in expressing that. I can understand now a littler better his difficulties in connecting with us as I see my own limitations in expressing my love to my own children in a way that is meaningful to them.

Unfortunately I regret the lack of time I spent with my Dad before he died. At the time I was consumed by work and unable to take time off due to being an integral part of a work team working on projects that were significant to the organisation i was working for.

I was also torn between spending time with Dad and my wife who was in the later stages of pregnancy and finding the travel difficult. When I did make the drive to visit rather than sit with Dad I busied myself around the yard getting things in order so their property could be sold. On reflection this was possibly driven by not knowing what to do or say, the reality is that I did not have to do or say anything, just sit there. 😞

Again these additional comments are not meant to be negative or a sulk, just verbally expressing feelings that I have put too much effort into suppressing.

[Lunar]

Hello there @Determined

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with your dad and the anniversary of him passing, that sounds incredibly hard for you right now and must not be easy to share those memories and feelings coming up for you.

The one thing that I noticed about your posts was the regret you feel in regards to being busy with work and your partner being pregnant and making yourself busy but also acknowledging that could also be due to not knowing what to say when he was sick, which I guess could stem from that connection you had with him which was full of love but you also felt that the love was not expressed in such a way which made you feel completey comfortable to be open with your emotions with him.

This can be also making an impact on how you grieved afterwards and coming up for when your children ask about him, I think it is good you are thinking about these things and talking about them in a way that is hopefully helping you understand why things have happened or how you have coped with certain hard times. Thinking of you and your dad

Lunar

[Shaz51]

Hope you are ok @Determined