"its really hard for me to be happy @greenpea i feel ill get punished for it or something bad will happen...."
i know it has been almost 8 months since this post but an update nad encouragement is always nice.
Here is what i will say. For your above statement.. this is exactly what i have had to deal with. I know where mine started and it was with my father. When i was a child, if i did anything wrong, it could become an abusive situation. Granted, when i was young, i did not understand my dad, his personality disorder or why he was hurting on the inside. When i became older and learned to forgive him, not trust, those are two different things. forgivness does not mean trust.. anyway, i have forgiven hm and we do have a pretty good relatioship BUT for the longest time, it was hard for me to make my own choices with out the fear of getting hit or yelled at. i eventually had to step up to the plate and call him out on his crap haha. Even though i have learned that he was big time hurting on the inside(his mother used to beat him really bad and then left him when he was 2) he still has to be accountable.
ok, my next point of view. now i have been in your shoes before when family and friends throw a party and they dont tell you because they dont want you there and then it "accedently" start talking about it in front of you or on FB. most of the time, it is on purpose, its a way of belittlement and entitledment to show that they are on top and that they have something that you dont. With that said, i knew exactly why my friends didnt want me there. i was going throw a very dark time and i was depressed and upset ALOT. From their POV, they were scared that i might get triggered and react in a way that would cause people to be uncomfrotable. i will admit that i did that alot so i understand why they did it to me. Yes it hurt like hell, but after a few years of it and sitting back and trying to see it from their end, i eventually had a breakthrough.
this doesnt make it any easier. still hurts and is not fun. i can ignore it when its certain friends, but when its my best friends or my family, yeah it sucks...
