Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

My friend has already determined that I have been very hurt without me having to say too much at all so that is a bonus. He has been also in relationships and is very open to say that. It does make for an easy flow of conversation when you are open with each other - and he makes it okay to be that way. I still find myself thinking of him during the day so that is nice and he has said he does the same - he actually said it before I did. 

I think you are right that having those couple of weeks to get to know each where you were certainly alleviates those often difficult questions about our MH. My friend openly asked questions when we began talking abouot both mine and his depression and I found it really easy to say how it all began with the illness and then past trauma coming into it - without actually talking about the trauma - that part I can't even do with any of my treating team. He does seem to be the kind of person who would be very empathetic if he knew but that is definitely not somewhere I am prepared to go with anyone - too hard! @CheerBear

How do you go with your friend with those tricky issues?

[CheerBear]

That's so good to hear about the conversation flowing easily and comfortably @Zoe7 and I love that you both are thinking of each other 😊

Friend and I go well with talking about things like these tricky issues. I think that one of our strengths maybe is that we do talk. Like you, I don't talk about details with many (really any) people, but being in the break place together meant he saw and picked up on a lot. At the time, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this here (I may have hinted at it but i don't think I said it), I was in a pretty risky situation that was looking like it was becoming dangerous. From the moment I arrived at the facility I was working with support workers, police and family violence people, and trying to reduce that risk. That stuff was a bit hard to keep away from other people who were there as we lived pretty closely together and with each other. Him and I were around each other lots at the time so conversations about it all naturally happened. Same with his stuff too as it came up throughout the days and nights. It means we have been and still are pretty open and honest about it all, which I like and he seems to also.

I think it helps to have an understanding of what can go on with and for someone when it comes to things like this. Knowing triggers and reactions/responses helps. For me it means he seems to understand that sometimes my brain goes bang and what that looks like. I now know signs he is getting a bit funny too and have learned what can make that worse as well as what can help too. It is a bit of an ongoing work in progress though and at times it has been too much (for both of us probably).

Sorry - loooong answer there!

[Zoe7]

Thanks for that response @CheerBear It really does help 

Your friend being there for some of the tricky gives both him and you a good insight into the tricky. I suppose there are some things that I am concerned about myself - not with my friend but with myself - and whether I can get past those things to have any kind of continuation of this friendship. I do tend to run when gettng close to people so I don't get hurt but this feels a little different so we will see what happens. Maybe it is that I know his plans to travel when he sells his house and that takes pressure off any longer term or any further trickiness if we start to get closer. I do think that has relieved some pressure in my own mind a little. All I can do is continue to take it as it comes, learn more about him and whatever happens naturally happens. If that means he knows more about me than I would let anyone in to know then it means I am comfortable enough with him to talk about some things. As I said before there are some things I won't share with anyone and in a way that holds me back a lot too as I also don't want anyone to ask certain questions - mainly because I am not (and have never been) in a space to deal with some things myself. Part of what I have been working with my pdoc about is to not revisit past trauma (because I can't deal with it) but to find ways to move through the reactions I have to certain triggers and to look forward - that part is still a work in progress!

[CheerBear]

I can soooo relate to the above @Zoe7 about needing to work on reactions to triggers rather than the specifics of what happened. I'm very much of the opinion that revisiting things isn't always helpful. I think it can be and especially when it is met with empathy, compassion, belief, support etc and maybe you'll find yourself opening up to him a bit and finding it therapeutic, but that has to be on your terms and up to you to decide if/when it happens. You seem to be doing an awesome job working through it all so far and I strongly encourage you to keep going and to keep trusting yourself but gently stretching yourself too, as you're doing.

Something strange that I've recently picked up on is that really tricky triggers have come from things I hadn't really expected (though hindsight is face palming me right now). I expected that maybe things would surface when we first became physically close and to an extent they did (I had a little run of flashbacks and nightmares) but I worked through that way quicker than I thought I would. The harder for me thing I'm finding is in other stuff that I didn't expect - things to do with some of those red flags and me not being able to work out what's yuck because of a trigger and what's yuck because it is yuck. That I can't do that is feeling really hard for me at the moment and making me question myself and the relationship. Definite work in progress. There's a fast forward button out there somewhere though yeah? 😉😆

[Zoe7]

@CheerBear It seems that you have come to that point in your relationship where things are getting very 'real' and you are bound to be questioning some of those red flags. I believe that those of us that have been in previous abusive relationships often try to find things wrong so we protect ourselves from getting hurt again. That does not mean that those red flags should be ignored - our radars are usually pretty accurate but it may be the extent that they are accurate that you need to question. As I have said to you before CB - nothing needs to be forced unless you feel like you need some answers for you own wellbeing. Ask the questions you need and judge within your own heart the answers you get. Protecting yourself can often mean using your heart and your head to determine what is true and what is imagined also. I think you are at that crossroads where previous experiences are weighing heavily on this relationship because there is that subliminal pressure from your friend - whether it is open or not it is there and sometimes it is the pressure we place on ourselves and the looking forward rather than living in the moment that influences what we think and feel.

[Former-Member]

💜💖😘

@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @CheerBear

Just saying a quick, hi!  👋

☕️🍰

[Zoe7]

Hi @Former-Member How is your day going Hon?

[Former-Member]

Oh and I hope you don’t mind me butting in @Zoe7 @CheerBear 😳😀

Do what feels right for you. 

I was not at all ready for marriage/a relationship when I got married. 

Having not had much therapy for CPTSD has made marriage extremely difficult. 

I know you both are wise though. 💜💖

[Former-Member]

Slow and boring lol @Zoe7

Thanks for asking, but I didn’t mean to interrupt. Just saying, hi. 💜🦋👍

[Zoe7]

Please butt in all you like @Former-Member - all views valuable here Hon 

This is all very new for me but I feel like I am in a better place to deal with it all more than I have previously as well.

I do think relationships need to be on an equal footing and if one does not know or has not dealt with some things then it makes any relationship difficult. I am going into 'whatever this is' with my eyes wide open and knowing what I do and don't want from it - and being very open with that with him. I am not completely closed off from it developing further but I am presently not completely open to it either.