Caring for a loved one with psychosis - when to admit it's just too much?

[Lattepowered]

Hi friends,

I'm so grateful for this safe space to unpack challenges. I've posted before about my husband, who has been suffering from paranoid delusions for nearly 2 years. He thinks there's a big conspiracy that everyone (our neighbours, my family, his colleagues, random strangers) are 'in on', to 'set him up'. He believes there are spy cameras and listening devices in our home, that people are constantly taking photos of him etc. I've so far had no luck getting him to see a doctor, take medication or even speak to a counsellor, or simply someone other than me, to vent about his delusions.

Well, we had a good week where he didn't mention his delusions at all. But as always, I knew it wouldn't last. Sure enough right at bedtime last night he started a big, probably hour long rant about his delusions, how my family are 'scum' for being a part of it and trying to ruin his life etc. I probably didn't handle it well because I straight away snapped and told him I don't want to be in the relationship anymore if he's going to keep up with the 'topic' (that's what I say to him, instead of 'delusions'). Problem is he then gets upset that I don't believe him, that 'they' are succeeding in destroying our relationship etc.

I love this person, I know it's the illness talking not him, but im just wondering how much of this nonsense am I meant to take? I can tell myself things are ok when we have a 'good' stint, but when he has one of his delusional rants (which often happen at bedtime when im tired and just want to go to sleep!), I just wonder what the heck am I doing and how is this sustainable?! I have no idea how people can endure years or decades living with people in psychosis?

Or maybe my case is a bit different because he seems so fixed in his delusions, some of them are about my family (which is hurtful, but basically I just have to suck it up because its futile to challenge delusions), plus he gets upset at me for not believing him.

Has anyone been in a relationship like this, where they made the big decision to actually leave? This would break my heart, but I really don't know what else to do, when I think of my future options. He's not a risk to himself or others, he's just making my life pretty stressful. I keep making the mistake of arguing with or trying to sternly shut down the delusions, but then is the alternative just sitting there and listening to it, for ages?! I feel like you'd need super human patience and compassion to be able to do this.

[tyme]

Hearing you @Lattepowered .

Thank you for opening up and sharing. I look forward to hearing community insights.

[Lattepowered]

Thanks @tyme I really appreciate your support along the way. I know you've given me great advice, as have others, I just don't know why I'm finding it so hard to break out of this situation, or change it for the better. I guess I have a lot to lose, and a lot of unknowns, if I do step away.

I had a tough morning with my husband talking on & on about how various random strangers were photographing him as part of the 'surveillance campaign'. He gets frustrated with me because I dont believe any of it. I think it would almost be more bearable living with someone with this illness if he wasn't always trying to convince me about the delusions and to 'confront' my family and 'call their bluff about what they know', and if he listened to me about not talking about this stuff in front of the kids. Those factors just multiply the stress so much for me.

[tyme]

You've raised some really important questions around how to best set those boundaries to protect yourself. I can see how much you care about him and that is why you don't just want to walk out. At the same time, I hear how harmful those delusions are.

Have you been able to contact his psych team or triage to ask for advice? @Lattepowered 

[Lattepowered]

@tyme he unfortunately doesn't have a psych team or any doctor who is aware what is going on. He's kept the illness to himself mostly, and me. 

I did call the 1800 number a few times, and what I took away from it was that because he isn't a risk to himself or others, they are most likely to just connect him with community mental health, which is entirely voluntary. He's very good at masking too, when he wants to. It's just me who sees the full blown paranoia when it flares up.

For some reason I just assumed when you call the 1800 line, you'd be able to speak directly to a dedicated psych team and explain your unique situation, and workshop what the intervention options may be. But instead it seems like you just speak to a random operator who decides how to triage the case - ie the family have little say or control over what happens next.

I should add we live in a small unit, so it's not like I could even duck off to secretly call triage without him knowing about it, and probably either getting outta there, or masking when they arrive.

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Lattepowered, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds like you have been through a tough time with your husband and his mental health. You are demonstrating your strength and resilience by reaching out to your peers here on the Forums. It takes courage to be vulnerable and talk about the challenges we face.

You sound like you have been really supportive of your husband which is so amazing as it would be really challenging with his delusions. You mentioned that he doesn't want to receive support and that is often the case with people who experience delusions as they are the person's reality in their mind. There is some support you can call for your husband who can come and assess him in your home if that was something you thought would be safe and beneficial for you both.

Have a look at this link and the Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT team) and whether calling them to assess your husband would help. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-crisis-support & https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/feeling-suicidal/help-for-suicide-emergency-crisis-assessm...

When someone is experiencing delusions it can be very challenging to change their mind even if there is no evidence to what they beleive. There are some great videos from a YouTube channel I have used in my own recovery journey with schizophrenia and in supporting others particularly with hearing voices groups. Please take a look at some of these videos if you feel it would be beneficial: https://www.youtube.com/@LivingWellAfterSchizophrenia/search?query=delusions 

I encournage you to continue to share your experiences on the Forums with your peers who may have some insights to share too!

Take care

RiverSeal

[supermodel]

❤️

[tyme]

I wonder if it's about just setting those boundaries and enforcing them @Lattepowered ? I can see how hard it is to have to hear this talk all.the.time. I hear is unwell. I hear he has no power over these thoughts. At the same time, you need to protect yourself.

I'm no clinician, but I'm wondering if you can just say, "Please stop talking about it. Otherwise I need to leave this room/house" etc?

It sounds so so hard. I know you care.

[tyme]

Hey @Lattepowered ,

I woke up thinking about you and your situation. 

I wonder if this fact sheet is helpful?

https://www.lpft.nhs.uk/contact-us/support/carers-support/advice-how-manage-expressions-strange-beli...

[tyme]

Or this @Lattepowered :

Happy to discuss when I'm next online.

Please take care and look after yourself.