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Something’s not right

Corny
Senior Contributor

Dispensable Me.

I many ways it is a little bit of a miracle that I am still here. I have somehow managed to claw myself out of what was a terrifying psychosis, pretty much all by myself.

 

I've lost a lot of time. Fallen behind, and had to let go of hopes and dreams for my future, will never realise my potential, all of those sad things that complex mental illness takes away from you. I've had some pretty scary experiences in my life, but that is up there with one of the scariest.

 

I had the help of a wonderful shrink that chose not to drug me, believing the results would be minimal if not zero, because in his experience severe early life neglect and trauma don't respond. I won the lottery with him. Next May I haven't been on an anti-D in 5 years. And the anti-psychs are only on an as needed basis for chronic insomnia. I'm happy to take meds if I get results, but I didn't, they made me worse, some even made me very suicidal. I just finished Edward Bullmore's The Inflamed Mind, and maybe that's why I have had such extreme and terrible reactions to the meds. I'm just one of those people that don't respond. 

 

Compared to so many other people out there that simply have absolutely no choice but to be drugged against their will, they have their liberty taken from them - I am blessed. I don't really have much to complain about. I should be grateful and just get on with it.

 

But it's the familial and social that derails me. Doctors can't write a script for close relationships. They can't offer you a bottle of a regular sex life, hugs, cuddles and affection. Someone that understands you, and wants to stick up for you. They can't give you a new family or a loving partner.

 

I have absolutely no sense of belonging in my life. From what I've read chronic feelings of emptiness are common in people that have experienced severe neglect. Especially from their mother. 

 

I just don't feel any sense of belonging and closeness. Even to my family. They make me feel dispensable and like an operational function. 

 

I have been running my life like a military and a monastery, to try and get well, I am that strict with how much I expose myself to unhealthy habits that trigger my broken biology. But last night I got home from my shrinks and I got blind effing drunk. And it felt bloody fantastic. 

 

I just feel that some holes and hurts can never be healed.

 

I'm a romantic in many other ways. But not when it comes to the affects of a life of rejection, when you are an inherently affectionate person - the damage just feels permanent and very personal. Like my outside world is mocking my inner world. And on purpose.

 

I think that my early years changed the architecture in my brain and it will always be a vacuous hole because I am perpetually exposed to my familiy's aloof, stiff upper lip, no hugs, coldness. I was the Black Baby, the polar opposite. 

 

I made the silly mistake of reading the news again. And the story of the little girl at the dance studio was very triggering. The thing that made me the saddest was the police commissoner's impassioned rage and determination that he should rot in jail. 

 

I can't imagine one elder in my family let alone a parent being passionately outraged when it comes to my own story. I didn't even get one hug. Not one. Not one single person in my family embraced me. 

 

It's just soul destroying. 

20 REPLIES 20

Re: Dispensable Me.

Hey there @Corny your story is so powerful, vulnerable, beautiful and raw. This line particularly struck a chord "Like my outside world is mocking my inner world. And on purpose.". The wounds caused by complex mental illness and emotional unavailability as a young one most definitely seem perpetually ending voids, and the notion of filling that void can certainly leave us feeling dispensable and stuck. I am so glad you have shared this story, because this space provides a platform for you to feel heard and know you are not alone. You are not dispensable, certainly a victim of circumstance, but you are a wonderfully intelligent and purposeful human being like the rest of us.

 

Just touching in your remarks regarding drinking, it's good that this worked for you on that occassion, but it's important to monitor our relationship with alcohol - and try to avoid using it as a coping mechanism. I am keen to highlight this for other forum members too Heart

 

How are you feeling after sharing this?

Re: Dispensable Me.

Hi @Corny 

I am sure one drunk night wont matter too much.

Atm I am reading about 

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/225677221_Adult_Attachment_in_Children_Raised_by_Parents_wi...

I am not sure if your parents had a mental illness or were not diagnosed.

I relate to the loneliness, and lack of affection and care.

I am glad you have a good care team. It can make all the difference.  Congrats on going without meds with team's support.

Re: Dispensable Me.

Hello @Corny I feel really sad for you. 

They way you have described the depths of your loneliness is profound. 

I'm another one who never felt like I belonged. There have been exceptions, though. When I ran away overseas for 3 years when I was 17 and got away from my parents I felt more at ease in the world. When I'm in a crowd of football (round ball) fans I feel part of something. Even though it doesn't change anything in the wider world, it's like a breather for me.

It sounds like there haven't been those exceptions for you, and I'm sorry the world can be so harsh. I can understand how letting yourself off the incredible self discipline you have and escaping for a night feels good.

When I am feeling that big disconnect from family and society, I look for other connections. I feel deeply connected to animals and nature and I'm lucky to have 2 dogs and a tiny courtyard garden. I also read. The forum has helped me enormously in terms of feeling less alone.

Just wanted to say I read your post and thinking of you.

You are incredibly articulate, perceptive and enduring.

Re: Dispensable Me.

Re: Dispensable Me.

Hi @nashy,

Thank you for your replay and your concern. I know mixing alcohol with complex mental illness is really bad, and I agree with you. But just like with the meds my physical health problems will prevent me from developing a drinking problem. I would last 2 or 3 days and become very ill because I have a lot of gut/tummy/food problems that put me into an autoimmune flare and I can't even enjoy a pizza, gelato or a coffee let alone being able to drink a lot without becoming very sick. I can eat, bark, leaves, sand, rice, grass, fruit, soil, vegetables, seafood,a little bit of meat now and then and that's pretty much it and even then I don't always feel %100. I also have a healthy dose of fear about my genetics and becoming unwell again. I was reading this research article that %55-75 people with first episode psychosis experience it again. I don't know what quality the research was but its scary coming from my gene pool.

 

It's frustrating having such little freedom and having to be so restricted when it comes to the culinary and foodie pleasures of life. And I am frustrated with the pharma. It would just be too simple wouldn't it that I may be given a little break from all my symptoms and have some respite from myself and not feel so tortured by my anxiety. But my shrink said out of all the conditions he treats in people, they assume he gets the least results with psychotic illnesses with the pharma. But he said in fact, he gets the least results out of all the mental health symptoms with anxiety. He said people's anxiety is the hardest to treat because there isn't much to offer. I was thinking about that statement and I think that's one of the reasons so many people turn to the drink. Because the pharma isn't working and they want a release. Even if it's temporary. I can understand that.  

 

But I'm doing my best to maximise my health with good nutrition and exercise. I just have very little resilience now, and I hate being such a sensitive person. I'm sensitive to just about everything, even what I put in my mouth. My psychologist I used to see said it's like my entire being is hypersensitive. And it's true. I'm jealous of other people's temperaments. I'm built differently. But I know that I was raised amongst a lot of threats, and when you're raised in that environment you have to be sensitive just to survive and react to that constant threat. I pick up on a lot of subtle things that mates wouldn't even notice. I had friends down this weekend, and they just don't feel things I feel. I hate having such big, deep, raw emotions. 

 

I guess I'm just like everyone on here. One of the most awful things about mental illness is the monotony. I'm fed up with the monotony of my life. And all I do is 'manage myself'. It's tiring being a manager when I'm the sole employee. Some days I just ask myself, "Is this all there is?"

 

Corny

Re: Dispensable Me.

hearing you @Corny
'Is this all there is?' is a question i often ask myself too and i know others as wel so your not alone Heart

Re: Dispensable Me.

Thank you @Appleblossom. Both of my parents have/had severe mental illness. My Mum has schizophrenia and Dad......well he was like a lot of us and had symptoms that crossed maybe 4 diagnoses, but he took his own life 8 years ago. 

 

Thanks for the reading tip. The early child attachment articles, research, videos and books etc make me very sad when I read them. I find it very distressing to watch stuff like that, even clips on trauma websites of doing the still face experiments with mothers and babies. I can't watch it. That's pretty much my whole primary school years right there. Mum was desperately unwell and we were very socially isolated as a family because people with schizophrenia are shunned. Even by doctors. Because it's just all to hard, so they set and forget them. They gave up on my Mum, and subsequently gave up on me. 

 

It's a particular type of emptiness that comes from being neglected. It's hard to describe that if you haven't experienced it. To make it worse I didn't fit the picture of a neglected child and therefore my distress was never picked up on. I flew under the radar. 

 

Some people just don't get neglect because it is invisible and concealed. You have no bruises. I just finished reading Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. And then I went onto Goodreads and read some other people's opinion. I found it really quite strange that a lot of people asked if she was Aspie, is this an American thing, where everyone must receive a label from the DSM. And I also found it odd that it was described as a book mainly about loneliness, which it is to a big degree, but I took it as a novel about chronic neglect and the effects of trauma, with some pretty typical dissociation.  

 

Take care,

 

Corny

Re: Dispensable Me.

Hey there @outlander! I was working down the list.

 

Totally understand matey. 

 

I ask myself that all the time.

 

It's wearying isn't it. It takes so much energy to keep going and if I am having a bad day I find it hard to not compare my life to other peoples. I try to be grateful for what I have, and I am, but some days it's tough when I'm feeling sad. The stark comparison. Some people just live incredibly charmed lives and had incredibly charmed childhoods. And I don't mean materialistically. I don't care about that. I mean rich in other ways. Ways I've never really experienced. 

 

You feel like you've parked your spaceship on Mars don't you when you hear their conversations. 

 

I hope you are well Outlander. I really feel for you with all your responsibilities, and on top of that you have your own health to battle. 

 

Corny xx

Re: Dispensable Me.

@Corny its good to see you btw Heart

yep i very much get what you mean. i guess its also normal with or without MI or physical conditions to wonder what we missed out on or yearn for the thing we know we had missed or are missing in our lives even though we are grateful for the things we have. I suppose that just makes us human...


this part here :

"Doctors can't write a script for close relationships. They can't offer you a bottle of a regular sex life, hugs, cuddles and affection. Someone that understands you, and wants to stick up for you. They can't give you a new family or a loving partner.

I have absolutely no sense of belonging in my life. From what I've read chronic feelings of emptiness are common in people that have experienced severe neglect. Especially from their mother.

I just don't feel any sense of belonging and closeness. Even to my family. They make me feel dispensable and like an operational function."

i relate so much with, like you the materialistic things arent a huge deal for me but the other thngs you meantioned do matter and are positive and basic human needs that i wish for us all. aand yes your right, some people who have been neglected fall under the radar i guess thats becasue rather than rebelling and trying to seek help by getting the negative attention we sink right into ourselves.

the sensitivity to what seems like everything can be really disheartening cant it even down to the things we eat and/or drink. i have to be very careful as well otherwise i get pretty sick for at least the few days after.

im coping on and off but am over the top overwhelmed etc lately becasue of my studies and an upcoming (they are calling major) surgury in the early new yr as well.

sorry, my ramblings probably arent all that helpful, just wanted you to know that someone out there can relate to how your feeling even if younger than you.
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