Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

This is a difficult one for me. 

I have moments when I feel an overwhelming sense that I don't really have a mental illness, or somehow the psychiatrists have got it wrong, or worse, I have been able to fool everyone, and I'm a fraud. It is different from denial, as I know I am unwell, and I know my condition enough to see that I fit the bill, as it were. Still, I have this cognitive dissonance where I both accept the reality of my condition while simultaneously having thoughts that I am an imposter. This thought can be triggered when I am talking to someone, and they will give their uneducated but strident opinion that I 'don't seem crazy to them.' Or when people tell me, I am quite articulate and self-aware for someone with my condition, as if to say they are 'on to me.' I often try to psychoanalyze myself, which brings on the doubts and guilt of feeling this way. 

It's hard to speak to people about it because I feel like even by bringing it up in conversation, I am planting the seeds of doubt in other people's minds. Once when I was hospitalised, another patient revealed that they have the same feeling and thoughts. We would spend time in the arts and crafts room painting and telling each other how relieved we were that we found someone else who had these thoughts and would try to assure each other that we were in the right place. Surely the doctors would know if we were frauds and would tell us if they thought we were faking it because they would not waste the money and resources on people who were imposters.

[StuF]

@Former-Member 

I feel this So much myself at times! Having been pretty stable for a number of years now. Well medicated, psychiatrist, psychologist, group therapy...I sometimes struggle to recall just what life was like Before treatment got me here

Not a lot to add, but yeah, totally empathise

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

Hearing you about uneducated and strident opinions.  Why such people seem so entitled to give voice to them .... weary sigh.

I have not felt so much an imposter syndrome, but have felt my vulnerability underestimated, and my capacity overestimated ... leading to rejection by PARC, so there is a big stretch in there for me.  Have not had much luxury to be fake about it all. 

[Former-Member]

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@Appleblossom wrote:

@Former-Member 

Hearing you about uneducated and strident opinions.  Why such people seem so entitled to give voice to them .... weary sigh.

I have not felt so much an imposter syndrome, but have felt my vulnerability underestimated, and my capacity overestimated ... leading to rejection by PARC, so there is a big stretch in there for me.  Have not had much luxury to be fake about it all. 

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I find people tend to either lean on or away my mental illness at their convenience. I have people tell me when I am having a rough time, there is nothing wrong with you just shake it off, or the old "we are all mentally ill in our way". And then when I confront them about something that is bothering me they will say, "I don't think you know what you are saying, you are mentally ill afterall". 

[Rosie]

Hey @Former-Member I totally understand this! I feel like a fraud, even to myself sometimes! I have been well for almost two years and have gotten my life back on track. I don't tell people at work I have schizophrenia and I am heavily medicated. My life looks pretty normal. I just posted a picture of a rose in the sun on this beautfiul Sunday, and wrote 'Happy schizophrenia awareness week', and that's about as close to public as I have ever gotten. I still reckon people would be thinking I don't really have it. Afterall, I have a fulltime profession, I've just bought a house and I post the happy bits of my life all the time. If only they really understood. The thing is is that it's impossible to get anyone to climb into your mind and see it all, huh? Hope you feel better soon.

[wellwellwellnez]

Here's an analogy. It's one of the "seven habits of highly successful people".

You're cutting down a tree.

Half-way through, the saw goes dull.

Do you just keep on cutting?

Or, do you get it sharp again (or get it sharper? or get a better saw? maybe even team up with other lumberjacks? (leaping from tree, being so rugged and sing, sing, singing)

In other words, getting good help (self or otherwise) ain't impostery. It's keepin' things at their very realest.

[AussieRecharger]

Intelligence can go a long way to cover up a mental illness. I mean I can give awesome advice to everyone else, but I struggle to follow the advice I would give myself. 

Part of that is my anxiety, the whole self-doubt and second, third, fourth and fifth guessing myself all the time.  I am not sure of your Mental illness but just because you have found ways to address the symptoms better than others does not mean it still does not affect you. 

Imposter syndrome is a Mental illness as well. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Former-Member ,

I totally get you! Well imagine having BPD! How many times was a told I was "putting it on"? It came to the point where I doubted myself and really questioned, "am I just looking for attention and milking the system?"

Several years on, and now out of the acute mental health system, I can truly say, "no, I was NOT putting it on". The pain was real. The emotions were real. My inability to function was real. 

I am not angry at the people who said I was making it all up in my head...to be honest, I pity them that they cannot understand those with MH conditions. If I did not go through it myself, I'd probably be the same. As a borderline, the real bad, messy stuff only came out when I was with those I was close to. Hence, I'd rip someone close apart, then change instantaneously when someone else stepped into the picture. That's what made people think I was totally in control.

So, @Former-Member , your feelings are valid. Whatever it is, I believe it is about working with whatever you have - it doesn't even have to have a label.

BPDSurvivor

@AussieRecharger @wellwellwellnez @Rosie @Appleblossom 

[Former-Member]

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@BPDSurvivor wrote:

Hi @Former-Member ,

I totally get you! Well imagine having BPD! How many times was a told I was "putting it on"? It came to the point where I doubted myself and really questioned, "am I just looking for attention and milking the system?"

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression, then when I was in my 20's I was diagnosed with BPD with psychotic features, then in my 30's, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It seemed like every doctor I saw had a different idea of what they thought was going on with me. Several doctors would tell me that it is not unheard of to develop and progress with different conditions or be misdiagnosed, but that didn't prevent me from feeling like an imposter. 

[Leesi]

Its like people expect that to have a mental illness you can't be articulate with your language. My mental illness has now ended my 30 year career and although I have all this knowledge I can't seem to even think or speak properly when anxiety and panic attacks hit on an almost daily basis