Lived Experience Forum

[Danzig]

I'll admit I've pretty much ignored my mental health for 10 years or so, I had a pretty good run for a while there.  But anxiety and depression came back out of nowhere, suddenly I was very close to another suicide attempt.  These days I'm at least a little more intune with those things and found a GP to go talk to in an attempt to get ahead of things while I still could.
Initally it all seemed benefitial, after a couple of visits with the GP I stated on anti-despressants for the first time ever, I've been on them for 3 months now.  Started seeing a psychologist a couple of months ago, once I found somewhere with some availability.  Got most of this out in the open with my partner and a friend at work, so I have a decent level of support these days.  I can't imagine going through with a sucide attempt now, but the thoughts persist, subduing those thoughts turns to thoughts of self harm, something I struggled with for many years when I was younger.  
If I'm having a rough day I'll talk to someone on online support, post on a forum, distract myself, do something I enjoy, exercise etc. etc.  My life is being driven by avoiding thoughts I have little to no control over, I work my way through a list of things that should help, but they aren't permanent fixes, then I start the cycle all over again.  I'll be the first to admit my life is pretty good, I don't really have any external stressors, just go to work and provide for the family, I even enjoy my job the majority of the time.
Maybe I just haven't found the thing that works for me, but I have every healthy lifestyle factor ticked, I do everything recommended by the psychologist and things are a lot better than they were 4-5 months ago, but it's still a daily effort and I feel like it's slowly chipping away at my resilience.  I can't help but think if self harm is what gets me through, then why not?  It's certainly better than letting suicidal thoughts take hold again.  Of course I don't want to go down that path, I don't want to ruin a 10+ year run and I know what a slippery slope it can be.  
I think at this stage my best option is probably to discuss a change in medication, while things like mindfulness and a healthy lifestyle help, I'm not convinced it will be enough long term.  Maybe I just need to give it more time, I know you can't achive a lot in a few sessions with a psychologist, maybe things will improve more significantly moving forward.  I just feel like I'm stuck in a loop of trying things that are fairly effective most of the time and I feel like I've tried it all countless times before. 
Maybe I just need to adjust to the idea that this is life now, for however long this current round of issues lasts.  But I still have that nagging voice in my head trying to convince me that avoiding self harm is going to do more damage overall than just giving in to it.
Now I feel like I've just rambled without a clear point, but I'd love any input if that makes sense to someone.

[Judi9877]

Hi @Danzig and welcome to the forums! Nice to meet you. I'm a Community Guide here on the forums. I'm just letting you know that I like what you've written and you have been heard so thank you for posting on here. 

I have a lived experience of depression and social anxiety along with several other mental illnesses and I can understand what you've said about depression and anxiety very well. It's great that you've acknowledged your mental health and have been able to reach out for support. That takes courage so well done! I like how you've mentioned your past and what you now do to stay well and what you do when you notice thing's changing such as talking to people and distracting yourself when you aren't well. That's great!

I know there are tough times with the mental illness journey but there are also some great times as well to be had. You sound positive towards your journey and I like to hear that. You are a special person with lots of great insights so that is a gift.

I hope to see you around the forums soon. Take care.

Judi9877

[wellwellwellnez]

I don't find myself in the area of direct self-harm, but, sometimes I harm or break other things. If I plan a few seconds ahead, I can find something disposable. Sometimes I kind of hurt my hands in the process but not as much as if I was harming directly. I generally find myself being very grateful to the innanimate object for being able to fuflfill that particular role in my support network.

I'm speaking from a hopefully helpful but admitedly ignorant place. "Rage-rooming" might be a good way to take the edge off. But maybe it depends on the edge. I tentatively recommend it.

Thinking about it, there's creative angles as well. That can help. Seems to me part of the general goal is externalisation. That should equal less burden, better perspective and more control. At least, it feels like that's part of the goal.

[Gwynn]

My psych would probably say that it sounds like the passengers on your mental bus are getting rowdy and distracting you from the road ahead.
"One way to think about barriers is to think about them as passengers on the bus of life. Imagine life is like a journey, and you’re the driver of your bus. You want to go places and do what’s important for you. Over the course of your life, various passengers have boarded your bus. They reflect your thoughts, feelings, and all kinds of inner states. Some of them you like, such as happy memories or positive thoughts, and some you feel neutral about. And then there are passengers that you wish had not boarded the bus; they can be ugly, scary, and nasty. So, you are driving your bus of life with all sorts of passengers on board. The scary passengers can threaten you and want to be at the front of the bus where you see them. You take this very seriously and stop the bus to struggle and fight with them. You may try to avoid them, distract yourself, or throw them off the bus, but they are your inner states, so you can’t get rid of them. However, while the bus is stopped, you’re not moving in the direction that’s important to you.You may also try to make deals with the passengers; you’ll give in and do what they tell you to do if they agree to keep quiet in the back of the bus. This may feel a little easier than fighting with them, but it means the pas-sengers are in control of the direction your bus is heading.By fighting and struggling with the passengers or giving in to them, you, the driver, are not in control of your journey of life, and it’s likely that you are not heading in a direction that is important to you. But what if, even though these passengers look scary, nasty, and threatening, they can’t take control unless you allow them to? There can be different ways to respond to the passengers so that you can head in the direction that is important."

https://mindful-mastery.com/passengers-on-the-bus-metaphor-getting-started-on-the-road-to-mindful-ma... - another explanation of the bus and passengers.

She had me do an exercise where I imagined myself sitting by a riverbank and putting my thoughts on leaves and letting them float away from me: like this: https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/leaves-on-a-stream-cognitive-defus.... It's seemed to help me, for whatever reason. You might like to give it a try.

[HenryX]

@Danzig 

Hello Danzig

I like the thoughts and ideas offered by 

@Judi9877, @wellwellwellnez and @Gwynn 

and offer some more for your consideration.

From what you have written, you seem to have a decent hold of the issues that you face. I understand the frustration felt when we seem to have addressed an issue - Depression – “in time”. We feel as though we are doing “the right things”, as much as we can know and understand. And yet, we still see ourselves sliding toward the edge, wondering whether we will stop sliding in time. We are also thinking of what other methods we can use as a means of applying the brakes. While there are a lot of effective methods for addressing issues arising from depression, some methods can be generated out of a sense of desperation and be counter-productive.

Thankfully, as you say:

“These days I'm at least a little more in-tune with those things and found a GP to go talk to in an attempt to get ahead of things while I still could.”

As you have described in your situation, there doesn't seem to be any logical reason for where we are at sometimes. By all the other 'normal' or 'standard' indicators, our life “should” be going smoothly.

It is really pleasing to know that you have avoided the

“I'll push through this and work it out myself, and maybe no-one will have noticed” approach.

Consequently, you have set up a strong “defensive perimeter” and support structure, that includes other important people in your life.

I notice that you have referred to:

“My life is being driven by avoiding thoughts I have little to no control over”.

In other posts, I have suggested that it is nearly impossible to control a negative thought. That is because, to control the thought, we have to think, be aware of, and be conscious of that thought. We fight it because we think the thought is bad, evil, dangerous and should be purged from our life and existence. But a thought only has as much power as we give it.

It may seem counter-intuitive - (sort of like counter-steering on a motor-bike) – to simply let the thought be what it is, and stop trying to fight it. Then we carry on with whatever we are otherwise doing. Such thoughts really only push us back as hard as we try to fight them. The equal and opposite reaction principle.

Another consideration that may seem equally counter-intuitive is to consider what goals, projects or targets you have recently achieved, accomplished or completed. I believe, that sometimes, it is the release of pressure, when we arrive at a place that we have been working toward, that suddenly releases tension and leaves a space in our lives. We feel as though we can now relax. That leaves the space for other thoughts, feelings, reminiscences, to come into that space in our psyche, and suddenly we become vulnerable again.

I can say that I have “been there”, and I am still dealing with some of those issues. However, I seem to be managing the manifestations of these issues in my life.

Funny how the word “manifestation” is remarkably similar to “infestation”. In fact, I suppose we do try to apply preventative measures and treatments in our physical lives and spaces and our psychological lives also.

Danzig, I hope that some of these thoughts might trigger {in the best sense of that word} some ideas that are of use to you in your time, place and space.

With My Best Wishes

For Positive Developments in Your Life

HenryX

[Danzig]

Thank you all for your replies, I have read them all a few times over past week or so and finally found the time to sit down and write a proper reply.
Things are sort of bittersweet at the moment, I generally feel better, but unfortunately I did finally cave in to the urge to self harm.  I got it in my head that it might not be the relief I was looking for, that I'd do it once, regret it and that would be the end of it.  Sadly that was not the case, but that doesn't mean I'm not still going to actively try and avoid it. 
I've actually had some really good news recently, but it also means some big changes and a lot of work I need to deal with in the near term, that probably didn't help matters, even though it's good news.
I have a psychologist appointment on Friday afternoon and booked in with my GP for Friday morning to discuss things.  
I'd love to actually understand where these feelings come from, maybe I will one day, I appreciate the suggestion of a rage room type approach, that thought helped me put into context that there's no anger behind any of this, it's a far more sombre mood.  In fact I find being angry often mitigates the urge to self harm as it draws my focus.
Prior to 2021 none of this had been an issue for about 10 years, but these are unprecidentent times, and they just announced another 7 days of lockdown. 

I just can't float things down the river though  I did try! 

[HappyCastle]

Hey @Danzig 

I just want to say, thank you for your openness is sharing what can be some really hard stuff to share. I won't speak on behalf on anyone else, but I for one think this reflects so much insight into your own thoughts and feelings and that's something I admire. 

You're right about unprecedented times, and to me it makes sense that you reached out for coping strategies that helped in the past (even if it was 10 years ago). 

I'm hoping that speaking about this has helped. Please do continue to reach out for support and share your feelings.

Because it is another 7 days of lock-down, those unprecidented times are set to continue. Would it be helpful to talk about some coping strategies that may be less harmful? 

We do have an email service now where you can talk to one of our peer workers. The option is there if you need it. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. You are valued, and you are important. 💙