Hi Keli
I could say I know exactly how you feel. But I don't. I can't. I know my feelings of utter evisceration, anger and sometimes hatred, but I can't possibly know your's. We lost our son 4 years ago, the lead up to his leaving us was brutal enough, we knew what was comin, but it didn't make one tiny jot of difference when the two policemen knocked on our door on that glorious, sunlight filled day with the perfume of spring flowers filling the air.
And here's the trap. The instant replays. The rabbit holes your mind takes you down. They're inescapable. You can never get out of your own mind.
I read It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine. It helped. Megan holds a master's in counseling psychology and speaks of how she would give people like us advice on how to cope with grief and loss. Then one day she suffered a loss of her own and came to realise how worthless her words were up to that point. When she felt her own pain it helped her to understand the 'There, there, it'll all be alright' and the 'I know just how you feel' only made things worse.
Megan's book helped me a lot. I know it's not for everyone and it isn't a magic wand, but neither is talk therapy or throwing down handfuls of calmatives, (it won't let me say Vali Em) and antidepressants.
I feel the grief everyday. it's better some days, not so good on others. My own experience isn't yours, it can't be.
I meet a lot of people in my line of work that have suffered in ways similar to mine, and possibly your's, I try to talk to them and urge them to talk to other's about their pain and grief. It does help.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, I honestly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I have made a few enduring enemies over my long and at times, strange and painful life.
Love the people around you and let them love and comfort you.
