My Debrief Space

[Blackcloud]

Just want to start creating a megathread that’s gonna consist of my ongoing debriefs.

starting with my first debrief..

Had a session with my psychologist today. We went through the stuff about working through my social skills when it comes to meeting people in real life in social situations, which for me is a 50-50 cause for me it really depends on the person and if they seem really approachable enough in order for me to I guess “wanting” to start a convo with them first? And what my impressions on that particular person is.

Anyways, throughout our whole session she kept asking me “what’s stopping you from wanting to try and approach them first and smiling at them (if they don’t approach me first)?” She asked me this similar (not the exact same) question like 3-4 times within the session and at that point I was already getting quite annoyed with it, though I’ve told her “no” and that “I’m not used to it” like a couple of times.

Because really even if I was to “try and do it”, the thing is a lot of the times it doesn’t end up working at the end.…in terms of me trying to do something that I’m not even comfortable with doing.

Well her and I did a little bit of a role play so there’s that. But I also did talk to her about me being able to have those social skills with my support workers and stuff so far, and that the fact that I was able to talk to other volunteers when I volunteered at places too that kinda did help with those skills.

Also, I’m not sure why she would suggest that I should make phone/video calls with my online friends - even if I’m “comfortable” talking to them like only through chat/text? I don’t know any of them in real life obviously so I don’t even get the point of that. Even I told her that I don’t get the point of it 🤣

By the way, that’s not to say that my psychologist is a very nice and lovely person to talk to and has a lovely speaking tone that’s easy to listen to as well, and I’m really glad to have someone like her. ❤️

It’s just that when counsellors or psychologists ask me these kinds of questions like “what’s stopping you from doing this” or “what scares you/makes you feel anxious about this” etc. especially when they ask you that more than once during the session, then that’s where it gets annoying…

I told her that there’s this social group I’m gonna be going this Sunday which is gonna be a forest therapy event and she mentioned about giving it a try to have an open body language (smile, say hi) and approach the person first etc.— only if they smile and seem nice&approachable of course and not the opposite to that. And towards the end of the session, she suggested that I journal on how things have went with that event after I go there on Sunday (basically debriefing it) and then talk about it to her during our next session to check/see if there was any negative feelings and thoughts I’ve felt and have/had during my experience there.

@rav3n @Jynx @MJG017 @Dreamy @Emelia8 @Till23 @creative_writer 

[Blackcloud]

@TAB @Glisten 

[MJG017]

@Blackcloud 

Reading that was like an out of body experience or something.  I get those same frustrations with being asked about my social skills, especially initiating conversations.  I didn't talk about it for most of my life because i got so frustrated with my feelings just being dismissed with statements like "try and do it" and "what's stopping you?".  I spent most of my life avoid working on this because I knew it was something really struggled with and all i knew was the no ones else seemed to, so why should i be surprised when people dismissed how difficult it was for me?

I struggle to even describe why i find it so hard.  It's like something innate inside me that screams at me to not do it.  I have developed a better understanding over the past 10-12 months, from learning about attachment issues and trauma responses.  I'm slowly improving, but certain things are still very hard, like initiating conversations, or calling people out of the blue.  There's just a severe anxiety like reaction to that that i can't control.

It's great that you have someone nice to talk to about this, but i feel like it would be more helpful if she understood more about just how difficult it is and what needs to be worked on, and even then, how it takes time and small steps.  Maybe you could talk about that and how frustrating it is with her, if you haven't already.

I started small.  When someone said hi to me, instead of just saying 'hi' back, I would follow up with a "how are you?".  It's a small thing just to add an open ended question like that, but a hard thing at the start.  It still feels weird sometimes but it's practice.  I started to feel more comfortable talking to people i didn't know and it slowly started to become a bit easier.  It's still a massive work in progress, but i've found it's just about improving one small thing at a time.

So thank you for sharing your debrief, i found it really interesting to read.  I wondered if you feel similar to what i described and if you feel like she is pressuring you to do too much too quickly to improve these social skills.  I'm just very curious what you think, if you don't mind sharing.  I'm still new at this and trying to figure it out myself, and hearing other peoples thoughts is very helpful.  I hope you find it helpful as well.

[PeppyPatti]

Thanks for your debrief - 

Your artwork is great ! 

It sounds like you're working hard on your social skills, but it's frustrating when therapy feels repetitive. It's okay to feel annoyed when you're asked the same thing over and over.

But she does sound good. 

Do you think you might be overwhelmed to noisy or busy places ? 

Do you have negative thoughts before talking to people? Sometimes we worry about things that don't happen.

The forest therapy is a good test.  I feel you're making good steps , even if it's slow little steps is definately something Im  only learning.

[Blackcloud]

@MJG017 I really appreciate reading your response, it makes it even reassuring that it comes from someone who has personally struggled with the same thing that I’m going through now and it’s something I’m very thankful for. ❤️

To be honest, I personally find the “what’s stopping from…” “try and do it” statements to be a bit invalidating especially when it’s something I know I’m definitely not going to try due to my past experiences with said issue and situations. I totally agree with you saying that it’d be more helpful if she understood more about how difficult it is and what needs to be worked on. But I guess that’s just the role of a psychologist or a counsellor..

About the last part you’ve mentioned, I felt really similar to everything youve mentioned on the first paragraph and possibly kind of similar to your second last paragraph - I feel like ever since I started volunteering last year, talking to some other volunteers and be able to have a conversation with them did kind of help me with those skills a bit. But like you, there’s still progress for me with that, but at the same time I don’t have much high hopes for it… as in I don’t have much high hopes for being able to “connect” with people through socially interacting face to face and then eventually/potentially become good “friends” with them. As of now I’m only looking to talk to people as more of an acquaintance thing more than as a way to “make friends” due to my  history/experiences of making friends and the fact that the vast majority of them I made friends with eventually drifted away from me and then move on to stick to their own group of friends that they’re more comfortable with whilst they completely stop caring about me and stop talking to me.

From the way my psychologist kept asking me several questions starting off with “well..” and all that, I do find that she’s trying to pressure me into wanting/trying to “build it up”.

Yes, reading your post was very helpful and I really enjoyed seeing someone else’s perspective on the same thing they’ve been through. Thanks a lot 😊

[Blackcloud]

@PeppyPatti 
In terms of feeling overwhelmed, I think I only feel overwhelmed whenever I’m in any social situations where there’s other people in it

Hmmm usually yes, especially when I don’t get approached by someone first. But when they talk to everyone else in the same place that I’m at but then they skipped me (im the only person they haven’t talked to) then that’s what really throws me off and even makes me really uncomfortable and sad

The forest therapy I want to experience it because the support worker that organises these sorts of events told me so many great things about this type of therapy, and when I attend there this Sunday, it’s gonna be her + like 10 other NDIS participants.

[MJG017]

@BlackcloudYou're welcome. It's such a difficult thing to struggle with, especially how, in my experience, no one seems to come close to understanding it unless they experience it themselves.  I only found out a couple of years ago in my very early 50s that it wasn't just me and that it was more common than i could ever have imagined.

I think that invalidation can hold us back for so long and can do a lot of long term damage in not trying to find support and reinforcing the self-doubts.  While I said that I find things are getting easier, it's true, but it's all relative.  Considering how impossible it always was for me, 'easier' just means i'm just really, really bad at it now. 😃 

After 50 years of struggling with with so much, I don't think I will ever get to any sort of 'normal' or even competent level of social skills.  It's a lot easier online than it is in person, because i have to time to thing about what i write, change it, tweak it, think about what i want to say. You can't do that face to face, it's real time and i'm like a deer in the headlights.  I just freeze and my mind is so busy thinking about what i should do or say, that I just end up saying nothing.

It makes it very hard to form strong connections with people.  I've never really managed it, and I know I never will.  Even my partner (no small miracle there 😃) is the only person i've even gotten part way to a connection like that in my life.  And i know i still really struggle with keeping a certain safe emotional distance.  I think to do that, it goes far beyond social skills.  There's now trust and attachment issues to get past.  And I still don't have an answer as to how to even begin to get past those. So i've always found the same thing, I could make friends at times, but it never got to any sort of strong connection so they always inevitably drift away.  Not that it was a huge list for me, but it always ends the same.  Not just friends, but even family just seem to get less and less interested in maintaining contact over time.  I'm nothing if not consistent. 😂

I sometimes think that I wish I was the only one having to struggle with it, because i know how hard it is.  But like I said, its been helpful for me to find out that other people understand it and that it's not something wrong with me. 

[Blackcloud]

@MJG017That’s very true, everyone that has and is still completely ignoring me and dont acknowledge my existence (as well as dont care about me as a person) so far has been literally every single person that has never experienced on the struggles that I’ve always been through and that I’m continuing to go through.

I’ve found out that every psychologists and counsellors tend to do this sort of approach where they would ask you such questions like “what makes you think that” “what’s stopping you from doing it”…the questions that would seem invalidating and a bit pressuring in a way, and I’ve never find it helpful whenever they want to work through the social skills with me, and especially when they ask me those sort of questions…

I feel as if they don’t fully understand how our brains work especially as someone thats on the spectrum, but yet they do these sort of approaches just because it’s part of their job or something. I dont think they fully care about their clients at an emotional level that way, but that’s just me and how I see it from them because what they’re all doing isn’t even helping.

At this point though, I don’t know if I should continue on with the therapy sessions if I should just stop. Like, seeing a psychologist is quite/pretty expensive now, even with the bulk-billing - so I guess spending money on something that I know or think isn’t gonna help me at the end of the money might not be worth it.

It’s definitely a lot easier online to communicate than it is in person. I’ve found it funny that my psychologist suggest that I should make a phone or a video call with my online friends, like what?? 😄 they’re the people I dont know in real life like why would I be comfortable with them hearing my voice or showing my face if they’re my online friends??

I’ve been dreaming of wanting to have a partner that can accept me for who I am despite my struggles and would never judge me directly nor pressure me into things im not comfortable with, and most importantly, would never judge me towards anyone behind my back…I think about it all the time now even though I’m not particularly interested in being in a relationship lol

[MJG017]

@Blackcloud 

I saw some psychologists last year for the first time in my life.  It was to discuss a combination of dealing with cancer and these sorts of issues.  While they were very nice people to be able to talk to, i found that this only helps so much.  Mainly because they didn't really seem to understand what I was going through with either issue and their advice seemed very 'textbook' rather than understand in empathetic.  Now i'm not trying to be critical of them, its just that if i was to try again from my own experience and advice i've been given since, it would be to find someone how is experienced in the issues you want to work on or want help with.  So if i was to try again, i would only see someone who specializes in dealing with cancer or attachment issues.  Because as nice as it is to talk to someone, ultimately you need some advice on how to deal with these difficulties and to help with that they need to understand them.  It's like you can see a GP is you have a problem with your heart, but ultimately to get the help you need you end up with a cardiologist. That's my feeling on it anyway.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to work on finding out as much as you can about the reasons  for your social difficulties to make it easier to find someone who can help because you have a better idea of what to ask them about as far as their experience goes.  But you're reaching out here and I think you'll find it very helpful.  I know I have.

[Blackcloud]

hi @Jynx and @rav3n ❤️