Lived Experience Forum

[Snowie]

@Bow sending lots of love your way 💗💗

[Bow]

Words don’t come easy

they’re all stuck in my head

even at the back of my throat

Or on the tip of my tongue

i want to say them

i want to let them come out

i don’t want to be silent no more

but I don’t know how

i don’t know how to let the words come out 

so I sit frustratingly in silence

and I walk out that door 

Choking on what I should of said 

I get angry at myself for not being able to talk

what if they are wrong?

what if they sound dumb?

what if I don’t pronounce them right?

what if I’m not even heard?

I have things to say

i want to be heard 

I want to put a voice to what’s inside

of the torture that only my eyes have seen

[Snowie]

@Bow I can't give any suggestions or help tonight but I am here listening

[Captain24]

I don’t know what to say @Bow other than I’m with you

[Bow]

Thanks @Captain24 @Snowie 

I shared that with my psychologist today. She reassured me that she is there, she is listening and ready for me to let the words out. She asked if there was anything that I wanted to share today and I said yes. 

I sat in silence for ages and couldn’t do it… so I asked to write it down. It took ages, but I eventually got it out onto paper. 

We have worked out a plan. She is going to regularly check in with me during sessions, asking how my SUDs are, am I having any intrusive images or thoughts, is the abuser present  or is there anything else. And I have given her permission to ask more questions if I say yes to one of them. 

I feel a bit more confident now about maybe being able to get those words out. 

[Captain24]

That was really brave of you @Bow. She sounds very supportive 

[tyme]

It may not feel like it, but it is an incredible step forward in terms of finding a way of communication that works for you @Bow . 

I remember something similar happened to be before. I was so upset that I couldn't speak. In the end, the psychologist wrote to me during the session and I wrote back. It worked when it was needed.

Good on you @Bow 

[Bow]

I hope the majority of the time I can speak the words. 
sometimes it feels like I need permission to speak, it feels stupid. She always gives me permission to speak, I have the remote, it’s my session. 

[tyme]

That's precious @Bow - hold onto that permission.

[Bow]

I know my step dad has been unwell for a long time. But tonight mum has said that she thinks it’s nearly time. He was in hospital last week, we had hoped that during that admission some kind of at home care would be organised, but it wasn’t. His application for NDIS was knocked back. We are now waiting for palliative care to get his referral for the gp, but mum called and spoke with them yesterday and they are going to chase it up. His not eating. Drinking very little. And is in bed most of the time as sitting up is more difficult on his breathing. It’s difficult to have a conversation with him as he is so breathless. 
It’s hard to watch

the uncertainty is horrible, not knowing. But this has been our life for years, thinking it will be his last Christmas etc. 

☹️