My Mosaic

[Bow]

I had a kitten snoozing on my chest @Jynx  he was even purring. But his back with his sisters now. 

just feeling so very disconnected.  My psych remembered today after I said something simple. We talked about it kinda or more just what lead up to it. You know the whole being upset and disregulated and doing what I thought was the right thing for me in that moment. But I was so stupid going out there then. Who wanders a park at midnight in an area you don’t know. Sketchy neighborhood anyways. Stupid bow. Stupid girl. And now you just question everything cause you made the wrong bloody decision then. And look what happened as a result of your stupidity little bow. You paid the consequences of that horrible monstera actions and it turned your little life upside down and inside out and blahhhhh you just made an absolute mess of everything. And now look. Disaster. Absolute disaster. Can’t do anything right can you. Stupid. Idiot. 
you know we talked about stuff but about the stuff that happened afterwards too. How I found out. What I felt. The utter confusion. Fear. Loneliness. The absolute agony. The conflict within. Urgh

i kept disappearing and it was so hard to come back and stay. My psych called it a day when I started rocking backwards and forwards. I’d had enough. She didn’t reply a quick safety check in but I wasn’t really there. Couldn’t feel my body properly let alone recognise where I’m at. 

I was brave and reached out to my SW. sent her a text. Think I just wanted to hear a caring friendly voice. But she didn’t reply. My old SW would always reply. And now my SW isn’t on tomorrow. Back Sunday. 

not in an ok place

sry

[Jynx]

@Bow Aww hun, it's all SO MUCH right now hey!! If only we could always just have purring kittens on our chests.... sigh

Honestly though hun by the sounds of it you have had a really trying morning, but I also am really proud of you!! Cos you're able to recognise what's kinda going on, and you took those steps to reach out to your SW. Like that would've taken a LOT. Well done you 💜

Course... helps if they reply. Boooooo. 

Anyone else on your list you can reach out to? I'm guessing you're too dysregulated for a phone call....? Or could you give the sane line a wee buzz? 

Sounds like a very dissociatey day, is it a spiky mat kind of arvo? 

[Bow]

Yep took heaps to write that text and send it @Jynx  was desperate for a reply 😩 

don’t think I could call sane line. Haven’t called in a long time and don’t know any of them. Don’t wanna have to say everything. Explain and all. 
don’t feel like there is anything else I can do. 
trying to avoid hurting 

[Jynx]

I do totally get that @Bow - being dysregulated means craving the familiar. I will just say though... there was a time when you and I were strangers too. Who knows, maybe you'll find a whole new crop of super compassionate and caring counsellors to form some bonds with. 

Not trying to pressure you though darlin, just want you to be able to feel held and cared for 💜

CMH an option at the mo?

[Bow]

Yeah that is true I guess @Jynx  but maybe when I’m in a bit better of a place. I really don’t feel up to it tonight. 
I actually remember the first time I talked to you. Random. 

Could call cmh if this keep going down hill I guess. Not sure I can figure out when that is though 

[Jynx]

Oh you do @Bow? Haha was I nervous? 

Hmm... do you have like scaling questions or anything on your safety plan - like 'I'm at a 5 now, but if I reach an 8 I will call, if I reach a 10 I will go to ED' kinda thing?

[Bow]

Yep first time I called @Jynx and I was laying under my bed. Scared. Nah you were cool. Trying to get me to talk. 

just found the suicide scale image you sent me ages ago. Thnx for the reminder 

8

[Jynx]

Oh that's high isn't it @Bow - scary. I will flick you an email hun we can touch base there 💜

[Bow]

I had such a horrible nights sleep. Felt like I was waking up every 20-30mins. Super thirsty too. I’m so tired today. And when I’m super tired I often feel very queasy. 

[Ru-bee]

You must be exhausted @Bow I'm sorry to hear! I am too today, I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep, so we can be tired together today. In fact I think I've noticed quite a few people mentioning having terrible sleeps last night, there must've been something going on...