Need to vent

[hanami]

It's just awful isn't it! My dad has always been there for me so I'm very grateful for that. But it wouldn't take my mum much at all to not speak to me for weeks on end.

I'm very grateful for this community too and the way everyone is here for each other 💓

[BlueBay]

hi @hanami 

My mum is 83 and she’ll never change. very set in her ways. 
i get very angry snd sad because I don’t have a mum I so wished for. 

i saw my doctor this afternoon. And I broke down telling him I need help. Not coping. Dissociating crying and telling him I just want to end it all. He kept reassuring me that my family love me and mean a lot to me. And of course little A as well. 
i told him that I want to sh as a way of hurting my mum. Again he made me realise that would not hurt my mum but hurt me more. 

i couldn’t even look at him. He said hospital is not good. so there’s no point in going. 
he is seeing me again on Friday for a long consultation. 

He asked if my family or friends knew about how bad I am atm. I told him that m carrying this alone because I don’t want to burden them. 

he said I really need to talk to hubby and kids. Even my daughter. 

so I got home in a crying mess. Hubby asked how I went. I told him that we have no money for our rego. 
my younger son who was there heard and saw me crying. He said he’ll lend us money and we can give it back once we sell our home. 

i broke down and just cried.  Telling my son we’ve been asking for money for a while and I hate it. Hubby didn’t say one word. Which makes me angry. I feel so alone in dealing with my mental illness. 

i chatted to lifeline e before. They didn’t help that much. 

ruminating snd suicidal thoughts every day. It’s tiring. It draining and scary. 

@Shaz51 @Eve7 @grayhorn @FloatingFeather @tyme  @Emelia8  and others following 

[BlueBay]

Hi @tyme 

How do I stop ruminating and stop thinking about suicide?? 
every day most of the day - that’s all I think. 

i just want to stop it all

stress of finances and house is playing a huge part of wanting to give up because I stress too much. So much anxiety too 

[tyme]

Awwww @BlueBay ,

Im sorry today wasn’t very pleasant. Did Little A sleep over last night?

For bills etc, I believe you can pay monthly rego now. Would that be an option for you? Also, have you looked at getting the Victorian Compare Power Saving bonus? That’ll give you another $250. It opened a few days ago, so even if you’ve applied in the past, you can apply again this financial year. You just need a digital PDF version of an energy bill. Here’s the website:

https://compare.energy.vic.gov.au/

Hugs, tyme

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay 

I can hear that you've had a hard time today - there seems like you've got a lot of stressors taking place all at the same time for you and your family.

I want to acknowledge the strength it takes for you to reach out for support, and you've got such an amazing community here  sitting right beside you. 

You mention in your post that you're ruminating and have frequent thoughts of suicide lately. I just wanted to let you know that I have reached out to you via email and to check in with you a little further regarding your safety.

You also mention in your post that you're unable to speak with your family about how you're feeling and reaching out to LifeLine hasn't helped in the past. I want to gently suggest that sometimes we don't always gel with the person who takes our call. This doesn't mean that the next time we call that we will have the same experience. In case you happen to change your mind, I'll just leave Lifeline's phone number here:  13 11 14 

Please go gently with yourself @BlueBay 

Sirius✨

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member 

thanks for your support. I have replied to your email. 

i don’t know where else to talk except here and I thank you for letting me do so. 

I think I’ll go to bed and try to sleep if I can without ruminating. It’s so draining. 

having these thoughts daily is scary. 

[tyme]

I’ll see you tomorrow then @BlueBay .  I’m looking forward to a chat tomorrow evening.

[BlueBay]

I just want to 

scream 

cry

lash out

punch

kick

attack

scream 

cry 

what is wrong with me 😢😢

im going crazy (more crazy) 

[BlueBay]

Haven’t gone to bed yet 

can’t settle @tyme 

thanks for the hugs 

I’ll take it 

thank you 🙏 

[tyme]

@BlueBay