Oscillation between two mind sets

[amber22]

That's so understandable and I am so proud of you for having some lunch. Try have a shower when you can or when you feel up to it if that's something that helps you.

Do you have anything planned for tonight? @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@amber22, I’ve had a shower, I still feel mentally contaminated though. I showered for long enough and exfoliated and all but still feel icky. I don’t have much planned for tonight as of yet. Do you have anything planned for tonight?

[creative_writer]

I hate myself. I don’t know why today is so shitty, but I don’t feel okay

[tyme]

What are you up to now @creative_writer ?

I'm sorry you don't feel great right now.

[creative_writer]

@tyme it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I have so much going on in my brain, it’s impossible to verbalise it all. I am sitting with a sense of unease, racing thoughts going through my mind. I want these memories to leave and not return. I don’t want to feel damaged. I don’t want to feel confused about what it means for my worth as a person. How much of my worth does it diminish? My psych appointment is a while away, so I don’t even know how to process things till the end of the month

[tyme]

I think there's just some things we don't have answers for, as much as we want answers. 

Perhaps it's about just accepting things for what they are? I don't know as I'm not in your situation, but it's definitely one of my learnings this week. I've been so strung up with things I can't change... I'm learning to accept them @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme it is true that I get hung up on wanting to control aspects of my life. I just often feel like my efforts and what I do is never good enough. It is also scary accepting that I do not have control over a lot of things. I think it’s perhaps a bit societal as we often grow up being told if you work hard enough you’ll be successful, if you’re not successful it’s your own lack of motivation. In the past I’ve gone into therapy before where the therapist believed I would be okay if I tried hard enough and did all the things she said. But I only got worse instead. Though I did get better once I changed. Even bad experiences when seeking MH can leave its mark. Society also tells you if you’re “positive” you’ll be okay. It feels foreign to even let yourself sit with the uncomfortable emotions because they are considered “bad”. Then how come it’s never worked? It often at the end of the day feels like a failing on my part

[creative_writer]

 

[Acanthiza]

Hey @creative_writer  a lot of what you wrote resonated with me. Especially how people think if you "try hard enough" everything will be solved, and by extension if everything isn't alright it must be your fault somehow. As if anyone feeling like this wouldn't be trying anything they are capable of to feel better.

I don't think it is possible for someone else to have all the solutions to someone's mental health problems, it is too unique to the individual. Best to try things and pick and choose what works.

I know things are rough for you right now, hoping it gets easier

[creative_writer]

@Acanthiza, at the same I’m like should I really listen to the therapist who said I didn’t try hard enough. I mean she used to use her phone regularly during our appointments. Look, I see benefits with CBT, but it is nowhere near enough for me. I can’t just change my life just through thinking. There is a lot of processing that needs to happen. Can’t think yourself out of trauma. I’ve also had to get meds adjusted, because bipolar is a pain