Lived Experience Forum

[Cocoloco]

Hey. I was severely abused by my ex. 

the pain is tremendous. I am autistic. I was called derogatory names. I am trying uni and volunteer work

i find it hard to connect with others. I feel people are hurting me. They aren’t. I can’t express complex emotions and feelings at once and secondly I often feel like different people 

I want people to like me. Not to hurt them or upset them. So I try to give them what’s needed. It’s trauma. It’s not reading cues. I am often alone 

scared of retraumatisation. My son was hurt. I was scared to speak out. I told the truth. It was so painful. People think it’s funny though I found it crewd and violating 

it was a power imbalance. People can boss someone like me around a lot. I often have no rights. Despite being bright in many aspects. I feel humiliated. I wanted to be understood 

in all my things id been through. I’m glad I never told the bulk of it or the worst of it. 

I don’t think I can do my course. Or volunteer work. I am still told I am stupid. I am not well supported. My heart breaks as I want to help others 

especi My kids. There was much confusion. I thought I had friends. Though not really. 

I love my mum kids and one dear friend. I reach out and despite being there for hours and hours through so much for everyone I am always thrown away. 

I am often lonely. Wanting friends. Can you suggest how? I have trouble trusting, though I give! 

I often feel like I should be away from all humans. Like I am toxic 😢

[scruffypuffball]

@Cocoloco 

First of all, it is great that you mentioned the person was your ex.  That means that person is out of your life.  Good.  You are going thru the motions of trauma.  We are wired for connection as a species but trauma rewires the brain for protection.  The role of the brain is not to keep you happy it is to keep you safe.  Have a look at the Toolshed and you will find lots of us have been through what you have been thru and are sharing our wisdom.  There is nothing wrong with you.  There is something wrong with the person that did this to you.

https://arcvic.saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/The-Toolshed/td-p/1351491

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @Cocoloco 

Thank you very much for trusting me with your story. It takes a strong and emotionally-aware person to acknowledge their areas of vulnerability, and to share these with others.

From what I have read, you have sound reasons to be disappointed in some of your personal interactions. That said, there are many kind, thoughtful, and loving people in the world, who would cherish having you as a friend.

While obviously a resilient and courageous person, I'm wondering if you have discussed your concerns with someone outside of your family system. A person with similar lived experience, might be a useful start.

Lastly, you have consistently shown you can 'fight the good fight' - a trait which you should be extremely proud of.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Cocoloco I'm sorry to read of all the struggles you've been going through! Echoing what others have said I'm so glad your ex is your ex but it is natural to feel depressed, sluggished, disconnected afterwards! Your body has learned to always be on edge so no longer having high highs and lows really does a number on you. 

Do you think you do anything that could be perceived as toxic? Have you tried to consult your friends? 

[Cocoloco]

Hey. I think it’s I get paranoid after being abused so bad. I miss the old me. It’s hard. I feel sad as if I fail people. Though it’s often people that say these things that are mean. 

true people actually say I am needing boundaries.I take responsibility and I am always too perfectionistic 

that’s wrong. I say sorry. That’s good. Though often people just vent at me. They use me and lie. I hate that

i cut it off now. It’s a new day. I let myself free. I used to say it’s okay. Over work myself. Then resent. That was bad. Now no 

I need to also sort out the whys more. I went through a host of let downs. All true. It’s not okay. My friends say I am good. 

I don’t think many so called friends realise they are acquaintances. That’s the funny thing. They don’t have the right heart 

[Cocoloco]

Also to add I was never toxic

just sad. I take responsibility. There for everyone. I am human though thoroughly judged

DV is awful. Degrading. I  fearful until this day. I dissociated hard. Paranoid is frequent. I loose my sight and occasionally fall on tool of my physical disability 

I have so many issues. Not well undetstiod. I sit alone. I may have brain damage. I used to be clever. Now ouch! 

Today is hard. Most think I am just good. 

I’ve done good. Still do. I am kind. my heart is huge. That’s why I got the dv

manipulated. With autism I can’t read stuff 

I am okay though I will help the world get safer. Though need to get strong first. Trauma is all I’ve ever known 

[Cocoloco]

Thank you. I feel I should. It’s been difficult. I love everyone and can’t hate. It’s an issue that’s been bugging me

i would like to have hop and for my kids 

I get easily confused 

I would love to find people to walk along side with and we can make it easier for each other