psychiatrist appt - terrified

[Appleblossom]

Ah yes the deliberate dragging of feet.

[Former-Member]

I'm struggling with the night time and not Sure if I remember what it's like to sleep properly. Kids had school and kinder and i had meetings with the dv worker person and support worker who are both lovely but I'm just blank on all the decisions I don't know what to do and I'm scared all of the time. I feel like I've made such a mess of things that I can't trust myself to make anymore decisions. I feel lost from my self a lot of the time and just dumb and confused, words go missing when I try to speak. I hate my brain

[Appleblossom]

Dear lj ... sometimes making a decision is just making it for a while ... so that the next phase can unfold ... even if it is a spontaneous "I'll do this"  ... and live with it for a while and til you can make the next decision.

Recently i was teaching an older "normal" couple ... and we all laughed when I said that I was only just getting to the stage when I am not dropping words out .. or often at a loss for a word .... the joke was that nobody would notice if I got alzheimers.

point being ... stressed brains are tired but if you give away all your power then its not you taking charge ... and for our kids we do need to take charge ... not make everything perfect .. but be the bigger one with a bit more of an idea about life

I didnt have the support, education, money etc to "fight" .. and so we settled ... few things are ideal in this world ... go gently

[Former-Member]

Maybe I have Alzheimer s already too... 😉
You have been such a huge support this week/month Appleblossom I am so grateful for you and these forums. I just want my kids to grow up in a better circumstance than I did... Which in so many ways they are but...
I think you are right about taking charge... Kids need to see that someone is in control that they trust to feel secure and safe...
I'm doing breathing exercises as I write and trying to do that mindful stuff .. Then it's time to try and sleep... Again

[PeppiPatty]

You sweet @Former-Member are the opposite of how you wee brought up xx

[Former-Member]

Thank you Anne, @PeppiPatty

I am not doing well. I'm sinking so deep I can barely speak to anyone and I know that the mental health ppl are concerned and think I need hospital but I can't do that again. There is nowhere for my kids to go and I will lose them to their father anyway. Everything is just too much. I'm so tired and the dr prescribed me something to help today but I'm too scared to take it I don't feel safe when I try to sleep and that stuff always makes me feel more vulnerable and more scared and I can't take so much that it 'knocks me out' because I need to be able to wake up to my kids. I want to cry but I can't even cry im just so flat I'm beyond tears

[NikNik]

Hi Lj,

I'm so sorry to hear what's going on for you. I'm really concerned that you feel like you're 'sinking so deep'.

What do you think is best for you right now? I know being in that hole can make it hard to see outside of, but if you can imagine... what is it you need right now or what has got you through this in the past, we might be able to help you get there.

Sleep sounds like it's one that is on the agenda... but I can understand that might be tricky at the moment.

We're here and listening 🙂

[Mazarita]

Dear @Former-Member,

I've been mostly listening quietly to your day to day messages. I'm so sorry you are going through this. If it helps even a tiny bit, I'm sending you hugs. 

[Former-Member]

I don't know what I need, I just wish there wasn't so much going on and all out of my control. My head is just so full of the worst possibilities for everything I can't make any decisions. The dr wanted me to choose which type of medication I thought would be best today and I just went blank and couldn't answer and he kept pushing me for an answer before realising that I was just not able to breathe or answer him. So he chose and the support worker helped. But I don't think I can take them but I haven't been sleeping snd I know that's not good. Gah!

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member It's good that you are continuing to reach out and express what you are going through. I've never been in your situation, but was a child of domestic violence. I know how things can feel out of our control. Is it possible to write down some of the best scenarios or outcomes? Maybe just to remind yourself of the possibilities beyond the negative. How much sleep do you think you are getting per day? Feel free to answer or not to any of this. I'm really just giving you a brainstorm response. Is there anything we can do to help you with the decisions you need to make?