Tired of everything

[tyme]

Hey @Spirit_Healer , 

Thanks for tagging me into your poem. Amazing stuff there! How have you been?

[tyme]

Hey @Spirit_Healer , not sure if you read @Gypsywildflower 's post - a few posts back

[Spirit_Healer]

Good evening @Patches59 !

I want to address something you said about starting things and not finishing, and offer you some points to ponder. Have you ever talked through that block with a counsellor or psychologist? I wonder what it is that might be stopping you. Is it that you are a perfectionist? Or a procrastinator? Might it help to set some small SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-limited/timely) in relation to finishing your tasks and projects?

And remember, any small win is still a win! When you have even small wins, pat yourself on the back. You could even set up some kind of small reward (eg. When I finish 'x', I will allow myself 'y'). This is positive reinforcement at its core, and believe me, it works!

@Gypsywildflower, boundaries has been one of my biggest issues over the last couple of months, and indeed, for my whole lifetime. My relationships with both of my parents is complicated, to say the least. Enmeshed, we are. Dad doesn't distinguish between where his person ends and mine begins, so he will often say "We" instead of "you" or "I". I often have to remind him that I don't think the same way he does, or that I don't agree with his generalised opinion, etc. I am working hard to break the co-dependence we have on each other. He says things like "you are my greatest achievement", "my number one priority" and "you give me life" (yes, you read that one correctly!). "Without me, I don't have life." I try not to take on the pressure, and I have even gently cited situations where parents grieve the loss of a child who dies before them, and yet they still have to keep on keeping on. 

@tyme 

With Dad, it's baby steps. Recently, because I have just moved out and I'v also been in hospital, I have had enough emotional distance from him to gently and gradually broach some of the more intense and meaningful issues related to boundaries, faith and health (mental health, specifically, and its impact on physical health and vice versa). I had to wait until an opportune time when we were both calm and receptive to challenging ideas to talk about such things, and it was also helpful that Mum wasn't there, so it could just be the two of us in conversation.

Dad and I are both trying very hard to learn to make our relationship work.

[Patches59]

@Spirit_Healer  

Arthritis in both hands limits what and how much I can do.

Some items I started before my last house move and are waiting to be continued.

decrease in vision due to cataracts had negative impact on some items.

as I’ve discussed with my psychologist, part of it links to aspects of my past.  Habits formed in childhood and reinforced by actions of parents.

[Patches59]

@Spirit_Healer   This is one of the projects I was referring to.  In preparation for my last move I started boxing things about 2 years ago, this included a lot of my craft items.  Issues involved with trying to sell plus not having easy access to any things I do as part of self care my stress levels increased.  Purchased this item and started working on it.  

to try to keep stress levels as low as possible and stop me feeling overwhelmed, my psychologist suggested taking my time bring boxes from the storage unit plus unpacking the boxes…find initial spot to put items and then reassess at a later date.

Last year with other things happening I didn’t get interested in any of the craft items I have at home.  Advise from my psychologist has always been to not do something I’m not interested in doing, this included when unboxing items after the move.

Between physical health issues plus that I loose interest in constantly doing the same thing I have different craft items started.  This one I made mistakes in first time and am now slowly working on the design from scratch.  This count cross stitch when finished will measure 67cm x 37cm.   Growing up, whatever I was working on was put away by a parent when family or visitors came and, for reasons I’ve never understood, was not able to located when I asked for it.  Even as a little kid, after first couple times I stopped asking and used to start something from scratch.   Early teen years I would start things, quite often destroyed or damaged by my father (school work included).  Hope this gives you an insight into the war inside my head when working on things and getting them finished

Over the years I have finished numerous hand sewn patchwork bed spreads and cot covers which have all been given as gifts.  

[tyme]

Are you their only child @Spirit_Healer ? If so, maybe this is why they are so protective of you?

How are you going anyway? Are you still in hospital?

[Spirit_Healer]

I am the eldest of two, @tyme . I was the first to move out in 2010, and then moved back in in 2014 and again in 2021. First time I moved out was for uni interstate, second and third times was in the same capital city - I wanted my own independence. COVID lockdowns made living in my one-bedroom apartment extremely lonely, so I kept going back to my parents' place, even while I was paying rent for my place half-an-hours' drive away. My brother has lived interstate for three years and then overseas for another four. He's happy where he is now and wants to stay put.

This time, I've only moved out 10 minutes' drive away. I am yet to cook a hot meal for myself in my unit - it feels like such a big task. And besides, I live in an Asianville, so it's cheap and easy to eat out. I have my go-to restaurants and I know my favourite dish at each one. My parents have been bringing me to this suburb, for restaurants and groceries, for longer than I can remember. It's effectively more my hometown than the suburb with the hospital where I was born.

Yes, I'm still in hospital. My psychiatrist is going on leave next week and he'll reassess me when he returns the following week. He wants to avoid me leaving too early and requiring another admission. I've already had one PARC stay and one hospital admission prior to this one, since November 2024. I'm happy to stay, too. This hospital is better organised, offers more choice with meals and has groups that are catered to more experienced mental-health consumers. I really like it here.

Today, Dad took me out on day leave for the first weekday since I was admitted. We went to a large shopping centre. I really enjoyed my time out. We went to Myer, where I got some things refunded, and then Target, where I bought some stationery. The shop attendant was marking down the prices just as I walked up to the stand. Talk about lucky timing! I love stationery and I couldn't resist the bargain. I bought three items for just over ten dollars. Score!

How about you, @tyme @Patches59 @Gypsywildflower , how are you this evening?

[tyme]

Nice @Spirit_Healer ! It's pretty good to have independence, but like you said, cooking for one is painful!. I live alone and haven't cooked in years! My sister cooks and gives me a meal. Then I give her money for groceries. She doesn't mind because she has to cook for her family.

Other people from church also give me food, so really, I haven't cooked in ages!

It's good to get your meds and your MH stabilised while you are in hospital.

TW: Suicide

Content/trigger warning

Unfortunately, only this week, I found out about someone which bipolar who took their life because they were given the wrong meds and wrong dosage. Such a young man and leaving behind two young children. Broke my heart to hear it.

Hence please ensure you get the support you need at the moment, even if it takes a little longer. Don't rush it. But it sounds like you are pretty comfortable there which makes a difference.

[Patches59]

@Spirit_Healer 

Id like to address your response to my post about not finishing things.

my comment was a positive note for different reasons.  Parts of Schema Therapy is discovering reason for actions etc and retraining the brain in these areas.  Some of these I refer to as ‘bad habits’.  

There are areas of my past that impact on my every day.  Items I do (or don’t do) due to patterns of things I grew up with not knowing they were not ‘normal’.  Lots of these I’m not ready to share.  To provide explanation to, what I felt and still feel strange, response led me to mention things I wasn’t ready to share. 

Summarising your words ‘block, ‘procrastination’, ‘perfectionate’…. Words that have no connection to the situation but hurt, triggered me and left me not feeling safe to post anything in the forums again

not applicable to me, examples of ‘bad habit’ …. Wearing one set of underwear the entire week; washing dishes only once a week.  A child doesn’t have the knowledge that these are not way things are done and just auto accepts things to be correct, regardless what they are

[Spirit_Healer]

Good morning, @Patches59.

I'm sorry that my words lead to such a response in you. I never intended to cause such hurt.

I was just trying to help you self-reflect.

Of course, if I ask a question that you are not ready to respond to, you are well within your rights not to answer or elaborate. I cannot assess where you are with what you do; only you can do that.

Hopefully, with space and time, you will be able to heal and move on.

@tyme 

Wishing you all the best