Trying makes it worse

[tyme]

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@maddison wrote:

I really like me. I really like the life that I chose for myself.

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That's so precious! 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

I use the SI abbreviation when I post.  It almost helps me skim over it and not feel too deeply and live it again while writing about it.  

You do not need to apologise for the mood in your posts.

It is hard when family is not supportive. Very lonely and may even be partly causing the problem.  I never had a supportive family though my family needed a lot of my support, oldest child and all that.  I am getting used to it now.  It took a long time, cos for 20 years I was hanging on hoping that they would finally understand and we would be a happy family together, but nope.  Not sure what you should do, about it. I bet you are doing your best.

I really love @maddison quietly introverted thoughtful post.

I went out tonight, and was social and confident, and thought who is that woman.  I might even have been loud and a little bolshie, and ran into a few people I had not expected see.  It was great.  Interestingly the people were greenies, lefties and righties.  All under the same roof and not arguing ... cos of music. Hooray!

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison 

It really is a million gold 🌟 🌟 🌟 s for decluttering, thank so much

I feel embarrassed to say I didn't finish it...but I did 2/3 or so, maybe more like half. I am not a hoarder exactly but my trauma keeps my life chaotic, and messy, and there is no system,.  At heart I love organisation but I've felt like I've had no control over my life, and I just couldn't live in line with my values, detached from my hopes of who I wanted to me. A stranger to myself.

Thank u for inspiring me with Ur words, I really appreciate them and they resonate.

I know what u mean  about feeling like Ur watching things at times, and not feeling sure or comfortable to speak.

I think listening is enough, sometimes, or even just showing up to where others are. Although I struggle myself with that. And feel like I don't know when or how to connect or engage in conversation

I'm shy in starting conversations and approaching people. I am too scared of rejection, as it hurts me tonnes.

When ppl or even men particularly talk to me I feel so pressured to respond well that I'd rather just ignore them or not engage. So I seem sometimes cold or detached. It's a hard balance.

How are u today? How is the weekend going ? Sending calm and kind days.

[maddison]

Hey @EternalFlower 

Thankyou for you beautiful reply. I can understand so much of what you describe.

It reminds me of conversations I was having couple days ago with my housemate. It takes so much more courage to be real than it does to be tough.

If I put on a mask before leaving the house & feel judged by the public, I can dismiss the criticism more easily because they weren't really seeing me, they were seeing the mask.

If I am being myself & someone criticizes me, it is much more difficult to ignore. It hurts. That is why it takes way more inner strength to be real.

Then again, & this only occurred to me now. If I am really being myself, why would I even care what others opinions of me are?

I feel the same way about my love of cleanliness & the disorganisation I actually live in. It's a mismatch. I can relate to your interpretation of being a stranger to yourself. I'm going to suggest the possibility, that maybe it's possible we are both? Clean loving, messy strangers...

An awareness of the stranger we are yet to meet, is forming the identity we currently exist in. 

Yes, I don't mind being quiet. Wow, talking to men, (sober) when I was younger was an impossibility. Especially if I liked them! I would come across as cold too. There is an intense, palpable pressure to conform to a certain standard. If you are not one of the people that easily slides into that role, then social interactions can be draining.

I don't mind being quiet. I don't always feel like contributing. I don't have a problem with that. However, in a social situation - that could be interpreted as distant, unsocial etc. I think, self acceptance & self belief, reminding myself that I'm fine with me, is the only way through.

I found you a million stars!

I'm not sure how long you have to stare at for! I promise you they are there!!!

Hope you have an especially awesome week ahead.

Mine is busy this week.

xx

[EternalFlower]

Hey @Appleblossom sorry for missing the post, I've been not in the best way.

Thanks for making me feel safe expressing any feeling and using abbreviation.

This is how we beat stigma and normalise these things, and help ppl know they can speak and be heard. I carry so much shame and have never met really anyone who struggles with dark times like me

When i was a teen I tried to express it to my family and they made fun of me, and something healthy in me broke, I think. I was never the same.

Now I am seeing I can be real here.

Music is such a gift and u seem to be attracting and connecting with good sorts, good tor u.

Have u seen Ur new friend again?

I'm still a little shaken and unwell, but getting on with life.

I went to kmart on the weekend and bought some nurturing items, and today had an art class.

I'm pretty bad at art, but I guess it's all the "process."

[Appleblossom]

Enjoy the process @EternalFlower Let your critical mind have a rest.  I am not great at art either, but know it can be good to let some things flow without judgment.

Off to osteo.

Take Care

[EternalFlower]

Hey @Appleblossom how was osteo?

Thank u, art is helpful....I have have writing and painting with watercolours.

Hope all is well, and the week is good. I feel good today, honestly this decluttering is so fun.

I had a visit to hospital over this past week for a few days, mental health crises etc.

Hard. Hard in lots of ways.

I'm OK now.

Thanks and sending hugs x

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower Good you have a few outlets.

Sorry you felt the need for hospital.  DId they let you stay a few nights?

Am watching A street cat named Bob.

I love my osteo, been seeing her for 20 years.  She saved my life with my neck issues.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom @maddison 

Hope ur having a good week. It was sunny here today, did u guys have similar?

I was in hospital last week as I got in crises, for 5 days.

It was OK.

Glad u have an awesome osteo, it must help to have someone who knows u and is so good!!

@maddison I am also so scared of judgement. Women get judged so hard. I loved the stars....

Being quiet is always the worst insult. I guess we learn at some point the benefit of stepping back and not speaking. It is a strength, too.

@Appleblossom what is a street car called Bob?

I am watching "A teacher" on b**ge (can't say service name on here due to its double meaning). It is about abuse, but it is done I think very well. It is created and directed by a woman. Always good!!!

At hospital I struggled a bit, kept to myself, felt a bit down. I'm ok now. I felt lonely there, and isolated.

Going nc with family does keep us strong in a way, I don't regret my choice.

I just don't know where to from here. I am worried about the future. I'm worried about them.

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

Hospitals are not great places to be, but if it kept you safe, that is what is important.

The name is a pun on the street car called desire ...

sbs

https://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/movie/a-street-cat-named-bob/1692734019813 

Have to confess I am a cat person.  Been without a cat for nearly 2 years, but not thinking of replacing them.