Caring for elderly alcoholic mother

[tyme]

Does she expect you to go check on her @Jenny88 ?

I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

I hope she eventually gets the helps she needs.

Did you end up going to check on her?

[Jenny88]

I did check on her at 11:30. She was sobering up a bit by then but definitely had been drinking.

We have a plan in place that if I don't see her by 10am I go and check on her. And the same if I don't see her by 6.

The whole reason we moved back home was because she had a set and it was just lucky my cousin came out and found her. Otherwise she would be dead and noone would have known. I used to call every morning when I lived away as well... she's by herself.

Another time I went over at 11 and she was incoherent. I called the ambulance and she ended up being rushed to a hospital in the city that specialises in heart problems. She had "broken heart syndrome" but was also put on thiamine because of tbe alcohol.

I was really excited about having someone like a carer be able to come out and check on her also. It just would have helped share the load of constant worry I'm in... when I mentioned that to her she just said "don't worry about me then". But it's hard to just switch that off. Like sure  ok. I'll stop giving a crap... I'm just waiting to find her gone when I check on her one day... I feel like that's the end game here if she keeps refusing any help and I'm struggling with how to handle that. It's been like this for 4 years now and I've exhausted all avenues... 😞

[tyme]

I wonder if this is something you can discuss with her doctor or your doc, just to get some advice? @Jenny88 

I knew a lady who was on drugs. So was her son. Her son got clean and she kept asking him for help. Eventually, she got sick, went to hospital and from there she ended up in a nursing home even though she’s under 60 years old. But that was her life saver because that’s how she got clean. Even at the nursing home, she kept phoning her son to get her out. The son was torn because it was his mother. But he knew he had to leave her there for her own good. In the end, it all worked out.

But yes, it was hard for him. Just like it’s hard for you right now.

[Jenny88]

Thank you for sharing that story.

It sounds like a very similar situation. I really don't want her going into a home but she isn't leaving me much choice... my father was forced into a home but we didn't have the facilities to care for him.

I think it would k*ll her if it got to that point but she isn't accepting help any other way.

She begged me last time to not let her go to hospital but I had no choice. I was alone with my baby and I couldn't watch her as well and she was too intoxicated to leave alone

[Jynx]

@Jenny88 sounds like a really tough choice, but in the end we sometimes really have to prioritise our own needs first. Just like in airplane safety guides - we fit our own mask before assisting others, or in other words, we cannot pour from an empty cup. It's a very challenging thing to have to sit with. Definitely agree with @tyme about chatting to either her or your doctor about it all. 

[Jenny88]

Thanks @Jynx and @tyme 

I had previously spoken to the nurse and she basically told me I couldn't do anything without mum agreeing.

She's recently changed doctors though so I'll try again and see how I go

[Jynx]

Feel free to keep us posted @Jenny88 - and be sure to take the steps to look after yourself in the meantime. 

[Jynx]

Fingers crossed it gets easier for you @Jenny88 🤞💜

[tyme]

@Jenny88 , please let us know how you go. Let them know there is only so much you can do. It sounds like your mum can do with added support all round. That is, in various aspects of her life. 

I hear how hard it must be for you to see her going the way she is. I can see you are doing your best for your family while also doing what you can for your mum.

[Jenny88]

Thank you.

I'm struggling a bit because my partner works shift work and we have no help. I'm sick at the moment and have been home with my daughter for 3 days while we both get over a stomach bug and cold.

It just really hurts knowing that I have family right next door but I feel like I can't ask her for help because I don't trust her to be sober.

When my daughter was first born, alot of people would say "must be so nice living next door to your mum!"

Yeah... sure it is.

I'll keep you posted if the doctor has any other suggestions x