im experiencing depression and anxiety while my partner is in hospital for mental health

[deepfried99]

My partner admitted herself to hospital with my support as we understood she was not doing very well mentally. She was very sick, experiencing delusions that fixated on me and the relationship. She had been misdiagnosed with bipolar and her medication was not working. She is now being treated for OCD and is on new medication. She has been in hospital for just under one week and is staying for another week as an inpatient.

Over the last month before hospital, she became very emotionally turbulent and her behaviours were volatile. We live together in a share house, so I didn't have any space to escape to my own. Due to my partner's delusions and paranoia (which I now understand was the obsessive compulsions), she emotionally abused me.

I am struggling to accept this idea and I feel guilty for labelling myself as a victim of emotional abuse, and her an abuser as I know she was not herself during those times.

My Partner acknowledges the behaviour as emotional abuse and is working very hard on herself and is learning new tools to cope with emotion management etc.

I think now that everything has started to settle, she is in hospital and we are having some healthy space apart, my body is able to begin processing.

I have been feeling waves of depression and anxiety within the same afternoon, and I feel anxiously attached to my partner who I don't feel I can lean on at the moment as she has her own mental health to focus on. I feel guilt, worry, stress that I might have a form of ptsd from what happened. Is it possible that for my body to regulate I am experiencing a multitude of emotions? My brain feels very foggy and I can't think about what thoughts are provoking these feelings, although writing this post has very much helped.

[tyme]

Hey @deepfried99 ,

I'm hearing you. I'm sorry that your partner is not well and her condition has affected you in this way.

What you are going through is very valid. Many people go through something similar as they have been hypervigilant for so long. Then after, when your body 'relaxes', you actually FEEL what has happened. This is when all the thoughts and emotions come flooding in.

While she is in the inpatient unit, allow yourself to heal. Do you have supports for yourself? I can see both you and her are doing what you can to feel better and to improve. 

It's so important you also get the support you need.

Thank you for sharing. Please know you are not alone in this.

[deepfried99]

@tyme Thank you for saying this. It's a very hard and painful experience - I didn't realise I was holding all of these emotions. I have a psychologist who I can see once every 2-3weeks and I have a strong network of friends and family. I'm just not sure how to start healing. I know there's no right or wrong way and healing isn't linear, but I have felt a very big wave I know I have to trust right now and ride it out tonight. It actually pushed me to creating a Sane account and making a post. Thank you for your support, I am no longer tear city

[tyme]

Hey @deepfried99 ,

That's why peer support is so important. We walk alongside you so that you feel less alone. Most, if not all here, have been through their own mental health struggles. We are real people with real experiences.

When a loved one is not well, remember, it is not them speaking, but their condition. I can see your partner is doing what they can.

The journey may be long, but it's not one without joy as well as sadness.

Use this time to recover yourself. Know that she is in good hands. 

I've spoken to carers in the past. Whilst they say that the inpatient stay may not have been beneficial for the person (in their case), it was a chance for carers to put their guard down and work through the trauma of caring for their loved one.

Please don't feel upset or guilty, but allow yourself to show self-compassion.

You deserve it. Remember, you are not alone in this.

If you feel like speak to a SANE counsellor tomorrow, they are available 10am-8pm AEST Mon-Fri on 1800 187 263

[deepfried99]

Hey @tyme,

I'm going to start engaging in some mindfulness activities. I think I've realised that in order to be self-compassionate I need to practice mindfulness daily. That way, I'll be able to move through these emotions and feel confident in what's going on in my head.

I appreciate your support tonight. I will reach out to a counsellor tomorrow, that would be great.

Thank you, again.

[tyme]

Mindfulness can make a world of difference. I never 'believed' in it, but after practising it daily and working on it with a therapist, it really shows I CAN control my body and my mind.

All the best with it and I'll catch you later in the week @deepfried99 

[tyme]

How are you @deepfried99 ?

[deepfried99]

Hi @tyme,

Thank you for checking in. I’m doing well today. I got to see my psych which helped me clarify how I was feeling about what has been happening (angry, upset, anxious) and what my next steps are for the week. 

I’d like to share these feelings with my partner but i’m afraid that she won’t be able to hold the space for me without bringing her own insecurities to the forefront. Trying to reassure her takes energy I don’t have right now. So I’m not comfortable going into details with her about how I feel, and I will tell her this if she asks. 

She has told me that I need to trust her when she tells me that she’s better and can handle having the difficult conversations we’ll have once she has healed. Trust is something I don’t have with her right now because of everything that has happened, so I don’t feel very safe with this process.

I haven’t unpacked further steps from here yet or what it is that i’ll actually say to her when these conversations come around. All i know is I want to communicate assertively.

[tyme]

To be honest, while your partner is acutely unwell and in hospital, it's probably not the best time to have chats that involve a cognitive discussion. This is from my experience.

I'm glad you see you need to be assertive. @deepfried99 

Good on you. It's certainly a start. And trust takes time to build up. 

Go slow my dear.

[tyme]

Hey @deepfried99 ,

Thinking of you. Hope you are okay today.