Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tiredandbroken]

Hello

This is my first post. I found this forum while googling partners with BPD. 

I suspect my husband of over 20 years has BPD. 
He loses his temper over minor issues and will rage & rant, swear, then either take off out the back for hours or stay in his study and give us the silent treatment till he feels better (usually at least a day or so). Then acts like nothing happened and expects the rest of us to as well. He has a victim mentality and blames other people for his behaviour. 
 
The truth is that I cannot cope with this anymore. I feel so broken by the endless cycle of abuse. 
I want to leave him, and I feel guilty for that, but he will not do anything to help himself. It’s like he feels entitled to act however he wants and just expects us to put up with it. I am mentally & emotionally depleted, emotionally & physically detached from him and my mental health is suffering. I am so concerned for my children, growing up in such an unhealthy and toxic environment. 

Taking the kids and leaving is not possible due to one of them having special needs that I can’t really go into, but I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t love him anymore after years of this behaviour. I know I am also to blame for letting him get away with it but honestly he is scary when he gets so mad and he doesn’t take responsibility anyway.  It’s always someone else’s fault for his behaviour. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Roses59]

Hello Tired and Broken. I have just joined today. Unfortunately I’m going through the same. I have an AVO and his fighting it even though I have evidence. Abusers are very difficult to deal with. They don’t change or accept responsibility for their evil actions. It takes a huge toll on your health physically and mentally. They actually enjoy to see you upset and love to torture you. It takes a lot of strength and courage to take your power back. You need to fight back and get the law involved. My ex-husband has been ousted which means he can’t come into the family home and he has No Contact. I’m sorry to tell you that the longer you put up with the abuse the worse it will get. It doesn’t get any better because by staying we enable their behaviour. If he won’t get help then you need to protect yourself and the kids. My ex had tried to push me to suicide quite a few times. Please don’t feel guilty because trust me the abuser doesn’t feel any remorse or guilt. Look up Narcissist. This will you understand what you’re dealing with.

[Jynx]

Hey @Roses59 hot tip - if you want another member to be notified that you've responded, use the @ symbol and choose their name from the drop down (or type it out then choose it) so that it shows up in blue, like this: @Tiredandbroken 

@Tiredandbroken have you ever spoken to the folks over at 1800Respect? They're really good, and might be able to help you navigate this situation, as it sounds very complex and very challenging. You definitely don't deserve to go through this alone 💜

[Tiredandbroken]

Thank you both for your replies. 

@Roses59 sorry you are dealing with this too. Your situation sounds scary, I hope things are resolved soon. 

@Jynx  I’ve had a couple of online chats with 1800RESPECT. I have also contacted a womens support centre to see if I can get some free counselling. Waiting to hear back. 

Husband is being so nice and helpful and caring after latest episode. I’m trying to be polite but detached and it’s exhausting. I wish he could see his behaviour for what it is. I have so much resentment towards him from the years of dealing with this and he just can’t see it. 

[Roses59]

@Tiredandbroken

[Roses59]

I know it’s really difficult to cope. You feel like you’re going crazy. One of the greatest tips I can give you is DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. They will do everything in their power to get you to re-act. It was very hard but I had to learn to not respond if I did his violence would escalate. It’s very difficult to leave an abusive relationship because of the fear they instil in you. Make sure you have a Safety Plan and don’t let him gaslight you. They are brilliant manipulators.

[tyme]

Hey @Tiredandbroken ,

I'm hearing you. I'm hearing how burnout you must be feeling.

I can relate... but from the borderline's side. I also raged, got angry, swore, then took off and did dangerous stuff. I'm hearing this is perhaps something that your husband is doing?

When supporting borderlines, it takes a lot of time and effort - probably the time and effort you don't feel you have right now. Do you have professional supports you can speak to?

When your husband is calm, have you ever had the chance to talk this through? e.g. "I just want to tell you about how I've been feeling. I don't think I'm able to live with the hurt that I'm experiencing anymore. When you get upset, I feel terrible inside...."

By telling him these things, you are naming the harmful behaviour.

The main question is, do you want to work towards repairing the relationship (even if it's for the sake of the childre)? Or do you think it's time to move on?

This will determine the approach.

Wishing you the best and hope to hear from you shortly.

tyme

[Jo-anneJoy]

I can recommend the recently published "It's Not You" by Dr Ramani Durvasula, who has scores of very helpful videos on youtube.

This is a helpful resource for staying safe as you make your exit plans

https://domesticviolence.com.au/resources/the-purple-book/

[Tiredandbroken]

@tyme @Thank you for the reply. Yes, my husband is rages, swears, takes off but not doing the dangerous things. He usually locks himself inside his study and gives us the silent treatment for a day or so. 

Unfortunately I don’t have anyone professionally to support me at the moment. Aside from talking to a couple of friends, I feel like I am dealing with this alone. I have tried to talk to my husband in the past about his behaviour but he always turns it around and blames me and/or the kids for it. So I’ve given up. 

I don’t want to save the relationship. I feel so emotionally disconnected from him and have done for a few years now. My body cringes if he touches me or calls me ‘hun’. He talks about our future as if we will be together always and it honestly makes me feel trapped and depressed. I have SO MUCH resentment towards him for treating us this way and never taking accountability for it. He went and saw a psychologist a few years ago, had one appointment and never went back. Yet the behaviour continues. 

I feel like I have reached the point of no return. 

[tyme]

Thank you for clarifying @Tiredandbroken .

I'm hearing how exhausting it must be in terms of always being on alert 'in case' he loses it.

I'm also hearing that it's come to the point of no return. 

Would you consider telling him this so that it is all laid out on the table and neither is making any assumptions about the other? That is, he may be thinking that thinks are still okay between you when really, they aren't okay.

Seeing you don't think there's a return, it sounds like the main thing now is to ensure you look after yourself and the children (if they are still minors). 

You can see if this free service is an option for you https://www.sane.org/referral You will be able to get some support over the phone if you are eligible.

Alternatively, if you ever feel you want to speak to someone from SANE, you can call 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri 10am-8pm AEDT)