Support for Single Men

[chibam]

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@TheRenegade345 wrote:

What are peoples thoughts on confidence? I have a big opinion on this in which it is a hill I would die on.

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@TheRenegade345  TBH, I've always found confidance to be an extremely ugly trait, and I've always tried my best to avoid having it myself.

Other people - therapists, self-help gurus, and the like -  try to market it as an essential tool for achieving 'success'. But while it may have benefits for the person who practices it, I've always found that it's an awful thing to be on the recieving end of. Confidant people get everything they have by preying upon other people, and then telling themselves that they were right to do so.

If that's what it takes to 'succeed', I'd rather be a failure. At least I'd be at peace with my conscience that way.

[TheRenegade345]

@chibam 

I do actually agree with you, I feel like confidence is marketed as this really important trait in society but I feel like the implication behind it is that it helps you get what you want.

In other words, those self-help gurus and the like, are teaching how to be a manipulator.

I think there is a lot of value being confident in your own skin, but not so much when dealing with others.

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme @chibam @Wesco5454 @MJG017 @rav3n @Jynx 

Hi everyone,

I thought I would keep this thread active by making this post. As I reflect on this time of the year and the unyielding pressure it puts on us all, I think it is important to keep these things in mind.

You wanting to be in a relationship and having that connection is a perfectly valid and reasonable thing to want to have. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about you, its society's completely unreasonable expectations that are wrong and abnormal.

I find this time of the year incredibly difficult and it always seems to bring out the worst feelings in me. However, I am trying to acknowledge that it is okay and that I will find a way through this period in my life. I want to believe that it will change and as long as I have hope in my heart, I believe it will.

I wish I had answers, but I dont. I also dont want to go down the vapid cliche path as well as I know it doesn't help. What I can offer is that you are not alone, I am also going through this with you, and this space is here whenever you need to rant and find connection.

Stay safe over the next few weeks and watch out over this space as I am going to start recording down my thoughts and feelings and how I am trying to navigate the tricky thoughts over this particular issue.

[Wesco5454]

@TheRenegade345 wonderful thoughts and message. Thank you

[tyme]

Thank you @TheRenegade345 , 

That was very heartfelt. Much appreciated.

Thinking of you.

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345  Good on you for keeping this discussion going.  I think a lot of people will find it so helpful, especially at this time of year.  Almost everything you see and experience right now feels like a reminder of being alone and what other people have.  It's definitely helpful to talk about these things and share how it makes us feel and how it affects us.  It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking it just me or there's something wrong with me, when in reality a lot of people have similar struggles.

Deciding to put down your thoughts and feelings is such a brave thing to do, and shows a lot of confidence and ability to self-reflect.  Hopefully it encourages others to follow your lead.  I'm sure there a lot of us with a lot of feelings and thoughts going through our minds at this time of year and I can speak from experience that it does help so much to talk about it with people who understand.

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 @tyme @Wesco5454 @chibam @Jynx @rav3n 

So ends another Christmas being single. I have never experienced what it is like to be in a relationship during Christmas time where it is heavily marketed to be in a relationship or be in a family.

I spent it with my parents and my sister and her fiancé. Essentially I was the 5th wheel if you will, a slight variation on the 3rd wheel. I am the quintessential 3rd wheel. If you were to look up the definition of the phrase "3rd wheel", it is very likely you will see a picture of me there.

When I was at school, I always found myself in a situation where I am the 3rd wheel. I honestly dont know how it keeps happening, but it just does.

The only solution I have to deal with this situation is to just bulldoze my way through the sadness and pain before I am able to let the feelings out when I get home (normally this just involves crying into a pillow). I dont know if anyone else has some suggestions of how they deal with it?

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345  I hear you.  As for how to deal with it, I guess what got me through all those many years was the tiny flicker of hope that it could change.  I never thought it would take as long as it did so it came as a bit of a shock.  But it's like many things, you cope because you have no choice.  I think it is possible to accept a situation but not give up.  To have zero expectations of success, yet still try to figure out how to change it.  Sometime you just get to a point where you so desperate for change that you try things you always thought you couldn't.  Well, that's how it was for me anyway.  A mid-life crisis will do that!

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 

I mean thats really all I do too. I just hope that it will be me one day as well. I try to do some active visualisation in the hope that it might happen one day. It just makes me incredibly sad to see others get to experience this and completely take it for granted.

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345  That was always the hardest thing for me... people that had what i desperately wanted and seemed to totally take it for granted!  It felt so dismissive of what i was dealing with in a weird indirect way.