Thank you everyone for your posts to me here, and on other threads, over the past couple of weeks. You really are the absolute best friends anybody could ever hope to have. I hope I havent missed anybody who has posted to me, and I do apologise for taking so long to respond.
@outlander @eth @BlueBay @Molliex @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member @Peri @Maggie @NatureLover @Snowie @Shaz51 @Eve7 @Owlunar @Lee82 @Lee71 @WIP @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @CheerBear @Bunniekins @Anastasia
My apologies for just disappearing last week. I had been very low, after 3 consecutive significant anniversaries ... the first in late June (death of my first boyfriend), mid July (one year since my Mum died) and mid August (5 years since my little niece died in a freak car accident). Sleep had been very poor and random throughout that time, and I think exhaustion had a part in the resulting depression.
Then early last week, my big mouth got me in trouble here on the forums, and I felt that all I ever manage to do is cause damage to people around me. I felt I was a danger to others, and not just to myself. I was too needy to be of any help to other members, and I was hurting a lot. I was full of self hatred and self blame. The last thing I wanted was to cause damage or harm to anybody. So I shut down and went off line ... retreated into myself and hid myself away in my own miserable little world.
So for the last week, I was very alone and had no support. I was very vulnerable to triggers. And while off line, a trigger came .. and it was a big one. In the form of a sighting of the man who rape'd me 24 years ago. This was thanks to my out of control imagination caused by extreme hyper-vigilance. I know now it wasn't real (he lives in a different state) ... but at the time ... to me ... it was very real. After that, I was a literal wreck for a few days, barely functioning. So I could not return to the forums, where I would only be a liability. I cannot risk that, because that's when I become careless and make mistakes, which could ultimately get me banned. So I had to wait, despite feeling very lost, alone and vulnerable.
Perhaps a couple of poems I wrote can more easily convey how I've felt this past week. Poetry I find can be a very honest and raw form of self expression. It's something I only ever do when I'm deeply distressed. I hope this explains things better than I can in real language.
Flashbacks
Fragile sense of security, shattered far too easily.
A massive trigger, a severe reaction to match.
Panic ensues, an urgent need to flee, to escape.
The all too familiar feelings returning in a rush.
Feelings of nausea and fear, shaking and crying.
I know what's happening, I should know what to do.
It's going to be okay, merely a flashback ... not real.
The mind cruelly replays the past, the body reacts.
Get a grip, I know I can get through this, just breathe.
Grounding ... where am I, what can I see, hear, feel.
Allow the present back in, a sense of calm to return.
Now go back out there with your mask back in place.
I did something I once thought was impossible to do.
Though distressed and badly shaken, I got through.
Is it possible I'm learning after all ... ways to manage?
Perhaps I should be proud, rather than disappointed.
Why?
Why am I here, highly anxious and feeling worthless?
No doubt that it is made worse by recent lack of sleep.
These past few days I've felt incapable of doing much,
other than perhaps to curl up in a corner and weep.
After intensive trauma therapy I've had over the years,
I feel there ought to be improvements I can observe.
I even have the welcome support of my online friends,
a blessing I once thought I neither needed nor deserved.
Why have I lost my sense of self, despite all of this?
How I wish I could just learn to remain above it all.
To leave the past where it belongs, and just let it be.
There are times that I feel so insignificant and small.
Why am I firmly convinced that my life doesn't matter?
What difference to anyone if I weren't here tomorrow?
A life of lost opportunities and self imposed restrictions.
Spare me a further life full of fear, anxiety and sorrow.
What more can I possibly do, to become well again?
I want to feel as though life is actually worth living.
I don't like that I keep proving myself to be a failure.
Please let me forget the past to allow a new beginning.
Emelia 🌸
