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First let's tackle the glaring topic of being on here @outlander as that also crosses over with pleasing other people. You are on here because you want to be and need to be sometimes to help keep you safe - there are no expectations and definitely no pressure to do either - that is pressure you place on yourself and something you alone can work on. Sometimes it is self-care to take a break, stay in the background or simply like a post - that is infact showing great self-care when you are feeling vulnerable or hurting yourself but can't get the words out. It helps you to stay connected without actually connecting (if that makes sense!).
Now to your hand - you are doing too much with it and have done since the beginning - again this is to please other people - and it is hurting you. You need to take more care with your hand to avoid much bigger issues down the track.
The tests - you have no choice so it is going to be getting through them with the help and support from us if need be - whilst we can't physically be there for you we do understand how stressful this is - some of us more so than others but we all have these type of scenarios that cause us much distress so we get how you are feeling - snd that is what the forum is about - to talk to people who get how you are feeling and know that you are not alone.
Work - you just have to do what you can and manage with what you have - same for the car - it is possible if you budget and plan out your expenses - it is not ideal but it is do-able - spend sometime working out a budget for the next couple of months - know what is coming in as a minimum and work from there - do not include any money you think you may get as that may not happen - just budget with your bare minimums for now. See if you can cut back on some things for the short term and spending your money on someone else's horse is one of those areas - this is also where you have to be assertive and say it is not working out the way it is - their horse is their responsibility!
Lastly - we are here to help you through these thoughts and feelingd - as little or as much as you need - don't for one minute think that we don't want to because we would not respond if we weren't in a position to help - so don't even let that thought enter your head - the forum is peer support ....and we are supporting our peer 
@outlandermy sweet sis, I hope getting that all out of your head has helped a little. I have pulled back a lot on here and now only stick to 3 or 4 threads. It is all I can handle atm. This forum is firstly here to help you, so you need to do what feels comfortable. I think we all have times of going on more threads or pulling back and both are fine. Do what feel right for YOU.
I agree with @Zoe7 in what she has written so will not repeat it.
I will say that sometimes it feels like we have the weight of our world on our shoulders. Remember you are doing the best you can atm and that is ok. Sometimes it is a struggle to get through one day and that is ok too.
Keep talking sweetheart if it helps
Hi Outlander, you sure have a lot rolling around in your head, things you can't resolve over night - its no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.
Graphic dreams can be really hard, and i think a reflection of subconscious turmoil (unresolved issues)... I'm not sure if you're still in regular counseling but think you need to be. Is this "wait list" for counselling? Can you give a fake address in the area, an aunt or something, so you can get in sooner? - they never check ☺
Suicidal thoughts are really hard (you've helped me through some recent SI escalations of my own 👍). Gad to hear the anxiety of it doesnt bowl you over like mine. Stay safe by never gathering the means or picking a date. You're stronger now - deep breaths. The waves & high tide will settle again, you know this ❤
"feeling crumbley" (falling apart under the pressue of it all) is no surprise. You need to let go of some of it.
"feeling crumbley" (falling apart under the pressue of it all) is no surprise. You need to let go of some of it. Does any of it really matter that much?
Tell the world "the cheques in the mail' and take a break.
Sometimes i pull the pin on everyrhing, go to bed for two days watching feel good movies... Funny how when i emerge on the 3rd day - it all seems different, and I'm not so messed up about it. Sounds unhealthy i know but REST can work. We say "but we can't take time off work... " Yet we do if we have the flu & physical ills.
You need to rest, or at the very least - LET GO of nonessentials for a time & take lots of laydowns in between - get yourself right so you can keep going. Just a thought. Hugzz ❤
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