Don’t want to accept the pain

[Jynx]

Could be an emotional flashback @creative_writer? I had one recently, it was bizarre - ended up getting hit with a very specific kind of melancholy that I hadn't felt since I was a teenager. Nek minnit I'm having attachment trauma flare ups in my relationship... almost like I was behaving like a 13 y.o. again. Bodies are so weird hey. 

Hope you are being gentle and kind with your wonderful self. I am off!! Have a restful night hun 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx maybe it is. My brain has been overthinking. I hope to catch you when you’re back on and that you take care of yourself 💖

The “not trying hard enough” thoughts are clouding my brain. I was blamed for my mental health and lack of progress years ago, and it still taunts my mind. I can’t help but wonder if something is wrong with me, am I manipulative and a bad person?

[rav3n]

hiya @creative_writer just came across your recent post, overthinking brain sounds rough! what makes you think you're manipulative or a bad person??

'trying' can look like so many different things. for some it might be visiting appointments, exploring new strategies, but for others it's just waking up in the morning and getting to bed safe at night. what does 'trying' look like for you and your goals at the moment?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n because I was told that I wasn’t trying hard enough by a psychiatrist years ago. She also said it looked like I copied a textbook (when describing my symptoms). She also said I was deliberately keeping things from here and “smiling” about it. I do nervously smile at times when embarrassed and feeling awkward, but did I do something wrong? I don’t see her anymore and haven’t for years. But she hated me enough to scroll through her phone during appointments.

Right now I’m attending appointments and recording thoughts (when I remember). I’ve had days where I forgot because my brain was ADHDing too much. I have forgotten doctor appointment, but I am lucky I don’t forget Telehealth or in person appointments, so it hasn’t ever been an issue with psych and current pdoc. I’ve had issues with GP appointments since I’ve had telephone appointments

[rav3n]

i'm so sorry you were spoken to that way!! @creative_writer symptoms are symptoms... even if you did copy them from a textbook (not saying you did), it still wouldn't matter because her job was to support you, provide you a safe space to talk and help you find ways to manage those symptoms- not judge you. if i'm honest... it sounds like your psychiatrist was taking out her own insecurities on you? i think she didn't know how to best support you, and instead of acknowledging her limits and maybe even referring you to someone new... it kinda seems like she tried to put the blame on you instead. which is absolutely unfair on you. 

you're worth and capabilities are not determined by her actions. doing what's in your capacity, like going to those appointments and recording your thoughts, staying safe - these all look 'trying' to me. 

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I’m not even sure why stuff is coming out rn. I feel like I’m too ND for this NT world. People misunderstand me. I’ve been told I can have “too much emotional reaction to stresses”. But what is a normal emotional reaction to stress? I’ve been trying to figure out what the “normal reaction” is for a while and can’t seem to get a solid answer

[rav3n]

honestly, a good point - what is 'normal' anymore? there's no universal one-acceptable-reaction to things. humans are emotional beings, and it sucks that our society sends so many mixed messages about it. @creative_writer 

the one thing that helps me is remembering that feelings/emotions - they're always valid and no one can tell you you're wrong for what you feel. but actions/behaviours, these are choices in our control that we need to consider. looking for 'normal' might be hard, but maybe looking for 'healthy' is more doable? someone can feel enraged and decide to say something hurtful, while someone else might feel enraged and go for a run. feelings demand to be felt, so we should be allowed to feel them... the way we choose to act on it tends to make the difference. or at least that's my thoughts, what do you reckon?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I've decided not to talk about SA in details in case someone thinks I'm overreacting and crazy. I'm planning on never ever going there again in therapy again. Because if people think being consumed by pain to the point you can't function is overreacting, then I won't let it show. I can't let anyone tell me the reason I may be stuck is because I'm making it out to be worse than it was. I am afraid even if I spoke in therapy, my level of distress will be judged. Not everyone holds the view that all feelings are valid.

It is true we can choose how we act. In this case, I think I'm better off keeping some stuff to myself

[rav3n]

definitely support your decision of not going back to that therapy place - you deserve to chat with people who listens and tries to understand, rather than point fingers at you @creative_writer 

it's absolutely your choice to determine how much you wanna share and who you wanna share with. it is hard opening up when people in the past have invalidated you, but i have hope you'll find someone who gets you. i remember you mentioned a new psych a while back, is that still happening? did you end up finding someone who's well-versed in NDs? 

and also - YOU deserve support, your feelings were real to YOU, and that what matters. people who don't know you, not the real you at least, shouldn't get a say on judging you.

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I’m still in therapy with my new psych. But I haven’t gone in detail about the trauma. I don’t know if I ever can again. I felt like last time I did with my last psych, it sort of backfired. I can’t afford it to backfire again. I got vibes from my old psych that she may have thought I was overreacting. I certainly have never got those vibes from my current pdoc, though I haven’t ever told him everything. Nor did I get those vibes with my counsellor at SANE.

My new psych is an ed and dev psych, so she is well informed of ND. She’s great so far, though I am hesitant with talking about certain things.

I’m not sure what’s happening with my brain right now, it almost feels like I’ve had an emotional storm sink in. I don’t know how and where this all came from. As long as I can keep myself sane enough to be safe, that’s what matters