Grief and people upset with boundaries

[optik99]

My dad passed away early this year. When he was sick, we had to stay with some toxic relatives for 3 months. In that period, one of them called me and shouted at me and my mother, and told us to leave. Then when my dad woke up, he acted and told everyone he has done nothing.  After my dad's passing, these relatives have been creating stories and lying to the rest of the family about us.

I dont live with them but I have to visit for meeting my grandmom at times.

I dont even know exactly what I am feeling, but a mix of anger, tiredness, and fear as to what they have spread and how we will be treated.

I dont want to become like them and so I don't talk about them to anyone, but I am dreading going back because I will have to see them.

[tyme]

Hi there @optik99 ,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hear how the grief continues to linger and that you are maintaining boundaries as a way to manage.

Maybe it's okay not to know how to feel right now?

I wonder if assertiveness comes into this? e.g. "I really don't want to talk about this right now". It's not that you are being rude or anything, but you are looking after yourself.

What are some things you have done to help you manage?

[Cleo2]

@optik99. Sorry to hear what you're going through with your rellies. I would suggest you physically withdraw from them and the situation for a time but that's not possible here. Do what @tyme said and be assertive. Don't just defend yourself though, step it up and focus on their problems.

[optik99]

Thank you. How do I do that?
I can try and just not respond when they talk to me?

knowing them, they will try to trigger me.

[optik99]

Thank you so much. I live in a different country so I dont have to see them. I have also blocked all the said people on watsapp. After I told one of them to back off and not msg me again, he and his father have spread more lies about me. But atleast I dont have to see them where I live.

[tyme]

Hey @optik99 ,

When they ‘talk’ to you, do you mean voice or messaging? This will make a difference with how you respond.

I think assertiveness is about letting them know that it’s not because you hate them but that you don’t want to talk about it.

[Cleo2]

@optik99 . Phew okay, I didn't expect you to do that but if you're in another country then this makes it easier for you...for now. Now that you've told them to 'back off', make sure that you are not tempted to reply to any of their texts/messages/or other attempts to provoke you into responding. If you HAVE to reply at all then say something calm like what @tyme has suggested like 'I don't hate you, I just need some time to myself to think about things after losing my father. I don't know how long this will take. I will contact you when I'm ready.'