Lived Experience Forum

[Gwynn]

I tried out a new exercise company, someone who’s recommended and qualified enough to understand what my disability means for exercise. 

Even though I told them that I have a lot of mental health issues, and that my goal at this point is just to get into things, and that I’ve been trained since before I can remember to not listen to my body and try to please allied health professionals, they didn’t understand that encouraging me to do my best was not helpful.

I’m also not confident about the extent that I’m understood to be the client of the service, not my carers/society at large. (Gwynn does exercises which means that Gwynn will need less help!)

Both of these things are innocuous of themselves, and something that most people would not really notice or find offensive, but the demands of the tests left me with passive intrusive thoughts about “not wanting to have a body any more” for the rest of the day and I went to bed early and woke up sad. My more sporty friends are surprised that I don’t find any form of exercise enjoyable, I am equally befuddled that people find moving their bodies to be fun. I don’t know how to explain the absolute crash and pit of despair I experienced after exercising. 

[tyme]

Awwww @Gwynn ,

I'm sorry this has happened. Sounds like it's been quite traumatic for you. 

And from what you've posted, it sounds like sometimes, people think they know how to help someone, but maybe they don't? 

Please do what's right for you. Do you think you will continue going to this exercise place?

[Gwynn]

I’m not sure how to get through to them that exercise for exercising’s sake is a mentally unsafe activity for me. (Walking to the library or mucking around the garden is fine, though.)

Everything they’ve been taught says that exercise is good for trauma, rather than exercise is an arena where I was made to perform irregardless of what I wanted or felt.

[Gwynn]

I guess that maybe the passive intrusive thoughts are maybe my anxiety going “hey you made me feel unsafe and then you made me move around for no reason and get sweaty, Gwynn, what in the actual heck was that about. Because you scared me, I’m going to scare you back and make sure you think twice before making me feel unsafe and move around when we didn’t even have to and then get sweaty and feel unsafe again”…

[jazz]

hey there just checking how you are travelling, it can be tough when those thoughts come in and get in the way. Here for general support if you need 🙂

[Gwynn]

I guess I’ll just tell them that I got really depressed after the tests, I was expecting tiredness, not depression. I’m worried that I’m going to feel similarly after a normal exercise session.

[Gwynn]

As an update, I'm not really sure they're listening to me - it feels like they've written me off as an overly-sensitive person.

The depression was attempted to be treated by some kind of eye-movement EMDR thing, and the clinician told me that it would help me to trust people.

I told them that trusting people got me in this situation.

The way my leg and foot responds to walking has changed completely and I have far less control over it than I did - which messes with my ability to even walk around my home and it makes me fearful. I fell on Friday and was in shock all day long - and the clinician again minimised it and basically gave me a gold star for showing up to all my appointments. (Never mind that the cancellation policy is completely unreasonable and no-one in the non-disabled community would accept it.)

I don't know how to set boundaries around this stuff without sounding like a crazy person. Like, does she even know how to talk to adults?

[Gwynn]

@moderator , could someone please give me some support for the previous post?

[tyme]

Hey @Gwynn ,

I apologise you have not received a response and thank you for reaching out again. 

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so tough for you, you know it, yet people around you put it down to either 'your fault' or 'it's nothing'.

It must feel so invalidating that this continues to happen. You have every right to feel the way you do. 

Have you tried seeing a completely different treating team to ask for a second opinion? The fact that there are physical symptoms can be a sure sign something needs attention.

I can see it's been a while now, and still, you continue to struggle. Please know we are here for you.

Can you think of what will help most at the moment?

[OM108]

Hi @Gwynn 

Good to meet you here on the forum. I read your post with interest and am trying to understand better what it is that you would like to achieve re exercise.

You said "my goal at this point is just to get into things" ....does that mean that you decided to initiate the exercise program hoping to get some physical activity, learn a skill, build strength, correct a misalignment or as a way to connect eg. social/community? or maybe you had some other goal in mind?

It certainly sucks in a situation like this where you dont feel heard or understood. It feels like the "experts" are putting you through their idea of what they think you need.....without listening to (or even seeming to care about) your needs. I can understand why that must feel depressing for you.

What do think could meet your needs better?

The best way I find to get movement into my life is to do something i enjoy!