Went to movies, saw "The Dry" - Eric Banner. It was good (for a murder mystery in the Australian outback), good storyline with a few unexpected twists. After the movie we had coffee & icecream @ Gelato Cafe. Unfortunately my good time was crushed by a tsunami of giggling primary middle school girls 😞 it triggered me, like torture 😣 and I found myself talking about it all (my girl dying AustDay), with my new friend. Controlled but pressured. Probably not what new friend needed to hear on her b'day. We got outa there real quick. Sh#t! Can't help it 😭. This is why I don't go out, and why I stay away from people. At least I didn't cry in public. The anxiety it triggers makes me talk too much grr. Acceptance MUST be coming though, re less tears... but I don't wanna let go, I can't, I'm so scared I'll forget, I don't want to lose her... 😢crying.
New Church left MSG, rang back excited to have made another new connection. But 😞 she couldn't remember me, but invited me to a BBQ Australia Day 😣, Of cause I declined, stating 'other plans' 😢
How can I 'party' on the day my girl died!? I can't. It still messes with my head this time of year, even 10yrs later. So let me apologize ahead of time, especially to my son, for not being what everyone expects of me, for not answering messages, or calls promptly, or at all. I'm just not my best at this time. The dishes are mounting, the dog needs to ask for meals and I'm living on cheese and biscuits.
Everything goes grey,
I'm not good company...
There's a raging torrent riptide within that fights to pull me out to sea oblivion. It takes all my energy to stay grounded to the little bits that i do here on my own, I can't think, am accident probe, a fumblying fool to onlookers. I need to hibernate a while, lick my wounds I guess, be authentic to my heart. So please forgive me and wait for me on the other side, when I have more energy. Need you there 💕
