Lived Experience Forum

[chocks]

Hi. I was diagnosed with anxiety 7 years ago after a massive break down at work after months of emotional abuse from my boss. I work so hard to get better and for the most part been doing well. How ever I have struggled to talk to people about it and it has in part lead to my wife leaving me saying I fix things for a couple of months then go back to old habits I don’t know I can fix it this time but I am trying but if not I’m scared of what my mind might do. 
thanks for this safe space

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @chocks 

I'm sorry to hear things have been tough for you at work. Yet I see how much you have been working on your recovery.

I think many of us here can relate to the challenges of talking to people - myself included!

During my recovery, I found these forums to be my 'safe space' where I could safely interact with others and practice the skills i needed to converse in ways that were pro-social. Of course it's still very different to the real world, but it was a start.

After years being locked in depression where I didn't speak to anyone, these forums were a stepping stone for me to get to where I am now. I'm still not that comfortable in social events, but at least I'm not crippled with fear. 

I've learnt to accept that being a social butterfly is just not me. And that's totally okay. As long as I can be social enough to function in society, then that's all i need.

What do you think? What would you ideally want for your life?

[chocks]

Thank you for your support and sharing some of your struggles.

I want to be able to talk to people without being judged or feel I am. But the fear of losing my wife is above everything she has also been my biggest supporter and I feel that is partly to blame for her wanting to leave me. I didn’t know how bad it was or I would have sort professional help sooner 

[joecl]

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through. It's great that you're trying hard to get better. It's okay to struggle and it's important to keep reaching out for support. Talking about it here is a good step. You're not alone, and there are people who understand and can help. Stay strong and keep trying. We're here for you.

[chocks]

Thank you it means a lot I don’t know how to talk to people about this stuff and I thought I was putting my family first but apparently by not looking after myself I have let them down and I may never get a chance to repair that

[Asgard]

Hi @chocks 

I found that talking with people about what I was going through to be so freeing, it helped me to actually understand myself by actually hearing my own words out loud.  You said that your wife has been your biggest supporter, I would imagine she still is, so having her as one of your support team will be a major boon for the both of you.  Allow yourself to be loved......Asgard

[chocks]

Thank you I am trying but the fear of losing her is sending me round the bend and I struggle to see a positive. But I acknowledge seeking professional help again has been the best thing just wish I had know earlier 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @chocks 

It sounds as though you're taking some big steps in working on your wellbeing. Sometimes it can be so hard to recognise when we need to reach out for help and it can take something drastic to spur us into action. 

It can be so hard to talk about our feelings, it's such a vulnerable thing to do and I find that so many of us have this little voice inside telling us not to bother others with our struggles. Overcoming that voice can take real strength and by sharing here you've shown some of that strength.

It's so good to hear that you've got that professional support and that you're noticing the benefits. It can take time to see change sometimes and it's not always easy to overcome our patterns of behaviour, but it sounds as though now you're aware of them which is such an important part in making a positive change. Hopefully this change will be something that you can share with your wife.

[chocks]

Thank you so much I wish I’d found a space like this earlier, I will never give up trying to better myself. Just finding motivation can be hard some days

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @chocks 

First and foremost, please know that you are in a safe place. The SANE community is not here to judge, and is based on the tenets of compassion, understanding, and mutual respect.

From similar lived experience, I understand how the rigors of the contemporary workplace, including having to report to supervisors that prioritise business outcomes over people, can lead to mental health challenges. Moreover, I also appreciate that the social/emotional intelligence of some supervisors is challenged by team members who have the courage to raise issues of concern.

However, what I learnt from experience is to strive for a better balance between work and other aspects of my life. Furthermore, I learnt that some supervisors (certainly, not all) do share my values of loyalty, perseverance and hard work, and are reticent to consider alternative business perspectives to their own. 

While coming to this realisation was difficult, it provided me a less idealistic view of the workplace. Beyond this, it led to a greater self-awareness, including areas for personal development, and a need for a better work-life balance. Perhaps most important, it was the catalyst for pursuing a career that better aligns with my values, and for letting go of the feelings and emotions that were causing me unhappiness. 

It seems to me that you capable of making similar changes to your own life.

I say this, as your post indicates a high level of self-awareness and openness to change, which are integral to countering the habits that are causing you relational issues. In a similar context, I suspect that you are underestimating your resilience (while acknowledging the ups and downs that go with this), and your inner capacity to build/rebuild positive relationships with people that add value to your life.    

Lastly, I didn't hear that you have sought the support of a counsellor, or other helping professional, to help you to work through your current challenges. For many people, this support is beneficial and as such, might be something for you to consider as you move forward with your life.