@Emelia8 

Hi Em

I don''t know what you said that caused you more problems - I haven't been in much - and not because I am not well but rather getting my life running again takes pacing myself and attending to the bitznpiecez of my life I let go when I was in so much pain

And I still find it hard to use my computer - I never noticed my left shoulder hurting more until I tore the tendon - back in May - I lost 2 1/2  months because I fell on my dodgy shoulder and at least I had the COVID crisis and the bung wing in the same year - but still

I read your poems - they say a lot and I particularly felt interested in your question

Why have I lost my sense of self, despite all of this?

I don't know why you have experienced so much tragedy in your life - but for the years of trouble I had with my son I feel that I was meant to be his mother and his adoption was something he had to endure - it added to his story and somehow I felt I had failed when he died - now I am sure I did more than most other people could have - and more than his birth mother was able - and counting it all up I am proud of what I did for a troubled child who happened to be a child I decided to keep - and a lot of things in the system were changed because of him.

So moving on - for you - it is an existential question and hard to answer and it seems you have been unable to find peace - possibly because there has been so much heartache and loss - and your suffering continues - so I get it - it's hard for you to know why your life still matters - but it does

Have you thought that you might be here and therefore important for you to be here is something unusual - but something I heard once? Are you here to be the witness - the one to tell the story - and you are telling the story - and I am one listening - and other people here are listening - and those who have gone are honoured by being part of your story and each other's stories

Your self-hatred is another thing I am not at all sure I can answer - I have thought a great deal about that sort of thing and there is a thread of mine somewhere in this forum that I started and struggled with and left behind though I continue to consider - we all have to learn to be our own best friend and you have been punished through life as well as having so much loss - and they are different things

I am sure you have been punished enough and there is not need to hate yourself but you do and I hear that - and I am sorry you feel like that. However you are not alone feeling that way - I learned many people with Mental Health Issues hate themselves - and I think - the more a person hates themself the less they need to feel that way

It is my wish you could overcome how you feel 

DecBest thoughts