Hi @greenpea @HenryX 

Another all nighter for me. Wonderful watching the sunrise and hearing the dawn chorus of birds, dominated by crows where I live.

@greenpea I was only really suicidal once in my life for about 9 months but I have sometimes wondered over the years if that will end up being the way I go. Mostly I think not. But death has been on my mind a lot over my whole life since maybe 10 years old. In adulthood I have been on some sort of journey about trying to accept death as part of life. This may help me to handle these death thoughts and even perhaps grow wiser with them. Maybe.

@HenryX your experience on the step reminds me of when I was in my 20s, I searched a great deal for some way I could cure myself of depression and anxiety. Like you I kind of believed that I would find the answer and it would then pass. Researched the subject a lot, especially some of the core people in psychology when it was really just starting out. Two I found especially interesting and inspiring were Carl Jung and William James.

I believe my father had bipolar. He was like Jekyll and Hyde in a lot of his behaviour. But in his generation and place in society there was almost total stigma and lack of knowledge about such a thing as bipolar.