Hi @BPDSurvivor 

My thoughts about friendship is relationships are varied, and what means friendship to one person can be different to another. For example, someone may call casual acquaintances 'friends' - consider facebook 'friends' for example...

I think what you may be referring to, is true friendship? Where you feel understood and accepted and supported by someone you admire, understand and accept. I don't think it's easy to find friendships like these.

I think it's hard navigating being my own best friend amidst the demands of others. A big way I learned to deal with my stuff was to just take it off the table. Everything became about the other person. I could be liked, valuable - not annoying or a burden.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to take up some space for myself, and accept the fact that those who I want to understand and accept me may just not be able to do so, and that's ok. But more importantly - and this is the confusing one for me - that they still like me and care about me even if they can't accept certain parts of me. That's the part I find tricky - how do I feel about that? Do I still keep them close or give them less of myself?

I think though that some people are more satisfied with deeper emotional connections with people. I'm not sure how universal that desire is.

However, I don't think desiring deep emotional connections is a BPD thing - but desiring them to fill the emptiness inside is, I think. Reflecting on my behaviour, the BPD traits in me showed up by my flipping out when my expectations of others weren't met. Now I'm flipping out less, people-pleasing less, and there's a lot of that emptiness inside me being exposed.

I'm finding reading and studying helps me feel connected to the world of ideas, and I can socialise through academic channels. So, I guess friends can be peer-based, and I think that's helping me. They are connections with a defined emotional boundary around them. I notice how helpful it has been to practice expressing my ideas (and being awake to the recognition that this is a way of taking up space). I think, for me, there is a difference between seeking approval/validation and seeking recognition as an individual. But I think the line can be a fine one...