@Hopeandlove 

I've found similar things in that when you don't even know what to feel, it ends up just being numbness.  I assume that's just the shock.

I've also found that as there is less and less time ahead, we tend to look more and more to the past, but it does tend to be a double edged sword.  I think we just do whatever we have to to cope with whatever the current situation once you're told it's inevitable. 

And if venting is all that comes to ming when talking to someone there, then vent away.  I'm sure they understand and if there is one positive now, it's that it's only about you and what you want.  Sending big virtual hugs your way.