I invited the elephant in the room today, I stupidly took her by the hand and led her in. She crushed me. Today I learned the elephant always brings a friend when I invite her in, fear of abandonment. I wanted to SH and wanted/still want to run away. The feelings are overwhelming. 

I ended up ringing MHT which I very rarely do. My elephant had left me feeling like there was no hope and that I’ll never get passed having her and the others attached and no hope of leading a fulfilling life without drama and chaos. The person I got knew me but I didn’t know she knew me. She reminded me in detail of some of my attempts to run away (usually with SH and ending up in hospital in shameful ways). I didn’t know or remember her being part of them and of the great tracking of teej to find her and keep her alive. She reminded me of one particular incident that was really damgerous on my behalf and could have hurt others. It helped to be reminded that I have come a way but I can’t currently convert that logic into feelings I can live with. I’m trying so hard not to run and not face my son just now and to turn it off but I can’t keep hurting him either. The shame is huge. 

It feels like it’s impossible to get passed just now. How do people get passed this part? It feels like it’s part I’ll never shake 😢🤬