@tyme wrote:
I hear you @MJG017 . So it's like a lack of connection altogether to the point of not feeling.
@tymeIt's hard to explain because until i was 43 and me my partner, it's all i knew. I could see people had these strong connections with other people, but i only knew how it looked from my point of view and could only imagine what it felt like. To feel alone and not feel close to anyone was just normal for me. I guess its a bit like being born blind. You know you're blind, and you know most other people can see, but you're left to just imagine what that must be like.
I always thought that if i was ever lucky enough to meet someone who wanted that sort of connection with me, I would be able to change and leave all those old doubts and fears behind. Everything would be fixed.
But then I did meet her and it became clear that she didn't seem to mind having me around, I found it was much harder to change than I thought. Even when i started meeting her family, those same fears and awkwardness around other people was there. I still had a lot of issues even being honest with her about my feelings. It still just felt to weird to talk like that with someone. 12 years later, i'm better at it, but it still isn't easy. My health issues over the past 2 odd years has probably brought on more improvement than the previous 10 combined. She tends to think being on the cancer treatment and having no testosterone since Feb 2023 is the main reason for the changes... she's probably right.
It's just really hard to change something that is so ingrained. It's not that I don't know what to say. I can go through it in my head 100 times until it feels like a perfect normal, simple, and easy thing to say. Then in the moment, it just goes back to feeling so unnaturally strange that I can't do it. It's bothered my a lot the past 12 years because I know its unfair on her and it's like i'm breaking that promise I made to myself for if I ever found anyone. I honestly have no idea why it is just still so hard. I don't think i've ever said "I love you" to her. Well, i know i haven't because she reminds me. But it's just that every fiber of my being tells me that saying that is opening myself to something far, far too deep inside that part of me that life has been spent trying to shield from the world in order to allow me to survive.
I can't really explain it any better than that. It's much more than fear or discomfort. Without using triggering examples, it's like tying to hold your breath until you pass out, or not flinching when someone throws something at your face. You can prepare and think about it as much as possible, but it doesn't matter, the body has these build in mechanisms to prevent us doing it in order to keep us safe. In this case, it's just a mental one to keep me emotionally safe I guess. I haven't really learnt how not to flinch yet.
