Wow!  10 years!  In some ways it feels like so long ago, in others it feels like a blink of the eye.  I remember being in a pretty good place back then.  I was 44 and I had been with my current partner for a bit over a year.  Which was a new experience for me as I had spent all my life up to then assuming I wasn't good enough for anyone and basically just kept to myself.  The thought of not spending my whole life alone seemed like a real possibility for the first time.  Other than the fact I was sure i'd find a way to mess it up.  10 years later, I still haven't managed to.  It does slightly concern me about what must be wrong with her to put up with me for this long but maybe we both have the same kind of "wrong".

I joined here back in May this year.  My health had taken a major turn towards pear shaped with a test result i got on December 28 2023, and so began the worst 6 months of my life.  I had tried so many things I would have never thought i would ever do.... none of it was helping.  I had gotten a bit used to talking to people about how I was struggling mentally, which was helping just to say these things out load, but after I'd said them, what was I supposed to do then?  I was in the middle of another sleepless night and just typed something into google out of desperation about where to find something to help this depression and anxiety I had been really struggling with for months.  This forum called Sane came up.  I was desperate and ready to try anything.  It was sort of refreshing to hear forums actually still existed and it was still possible to chat to people online without using Facebook or Whatsapp, or whatever people use these days.  So I thought i'd sign up and have a look, only to be told I couldn't use my real name.  It was the middle of the night and I just wanted to check it out so i just typed the first thing that came into my head as a username.  I thought i'd read a few posts, get bored and not comeback anyway.  So if you've ever wondered about the deep and meaningful origin of my username... there you go 😁

I found a post that seemed to resonate with issues I had dealt with throughout my life, so i replied saying how i understood and felt that same way as the poster did.  I then waffled on a bit, as I do.  I got a reply from someone else commenting on what a good bit of advice my post it was.  Well that was weird... my thoughts made sense to someone and my advice was "great".  I felt a bit better about myself.  I had given some advice and someone found it helpful.  So i just kept going.  I started to get to know more people and found so many things I had always struggled with, other people had as well!  All those things I had struggled with in life, could I use them an my experience in dealing with them as a way to support others with similar experiences and in doing so help myself?

For the first time in months, I started to feel some progress and started to find some motivation in life again.  I started to make other positive changes in my life which lead to opportunities which brought me even more of a sense of direction in life and a strong sense of this 'new normal' that was my life now.  Things kept improving for the rest of the year, until a few weeks ago on November 28th (I really am beginning to hate the 28th!) another bad result.  But this time, there was no huge depressive spiral, I was struggling definitely, but things felt a lot more under control, especially compared to the last time.  Was it progress from throughout the year or just the fact that i needed to wait until early January 2025 for a follow up test to confirm the November result?  Who knows.  Maybe that big depressive spiral is just waiting for confirmation to kick in.  I really don't know.

I do know that my time with Sane has gotten me through the darkest, most difficult time of my life so far and even appears to have given me tools to navigate my way through times that will only get tougher and tougher in the coming few years.

I like to think now that if you want to find an empathetic person, who cares and will be understanding and supportive... without judgment or any dismissiveness, find someone who has fought (or is fighting) their own mental health issues.  I don't think you'll find someone else who would fit that description any better.  And for me, the people here on Sane are living proof of that.  And I am so thankful to have found it and proud to be a small part of it.