Hello to all Sane community members,

I hope life is being kind to you and that you are well. It is a little after 5am and I am wide awake, after an unfortunate relapase but I am doing okay. I was scrolling through instagram and I came across this post and wow, did it hit home for me. I know a lot about functional freeze but I have never quite read anything so informative and so true, about what it is like to be me. I had to draft the post into a word document for furture reference and I thought I would share it. I relate to every single word the author has written about the freeze response and its devastating long term effects on the mind, body and soul!!

What your nervous system would say about living in functional freeze:

• I can't be rushed to change. This feels like too much pressure. But when you meet me with patience instead of frustration. When you offer atonement instead of force. When you stop trying to 'fix' me & learn to listen. That's when I'll soften. That's when l'll begin to trust that it's finally safe to feel alive again.
  
  
• The numbness, the heaviness, the emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, this is the stored energy asking to get unstuck, move through and be transmuted. I'm not trying to pull you backward, even though it might seem this way. I'm trying to find a way to bring us back to balance.
  
  
• I don't do this to punish you. I do this because, for so long, this was the only way to get through overwhelm. But the survival energy & trauma cycles never had the chance to move through me. And now they're waiting for the right time to be sensed and completed.
  
  
• Staying functional no matter what came at a price. That's why these days, joy feels distant. Why rest doesn't restore you. Why it's easier to think than to feel. Why you crave closeness but struggle to let it in. Because even though you're not in the past anymore, I'm still holding onto it.
  
  
• So, I helped you push it down. I made sure you could function no matter what was happening inside. And now, those around you might see or even admire your strength and resilience but they don't see what it cost you.
  
  
• I made you look calm, capable, and composed-because you had to be. This way, you became exceptional at solving problems, at carrying on, at doing what was expected. Not because you were always okay, but because for me this was the only way to help you survive.
  
  
• So I froze. To help you move forward, I numbed the parts of you that were hurt. I disconnected you from your body to protect you from overwhelm. I gave all my energy to keep you functional. And I buried everything you couldn't make sense of and process deep inside.
  
  
• You grew up in confusion. The people and communities who were supposed to make you feel safe also caused you harm. Love and relationships felt unpredictable. Connection came with a cost. I couldn't let you feel it all. Feeling it all would have been too much for the younger version of you.
  
  
• I know you wonder why you feel disconnected and far away from yourself. Why you can do all the 'right' things— work, socialize, take care of others-but still feel numb, exhausted, like you're just going through the motions. It's not because you're broken. It's because / had to protect you.

If your nervous system could speak to you, this is what it would say about being stuck in freeze after trauma:

Be kind to yourself, and others. Stay safe and take care. 

P 🤗