@outlander  I wish I could but I have others to consider who will read this and become upset, I might lose my account even and I dont want that. I wish we could go out and have a rl coffee and I could explain everything to you ....  and see what you say. I have spoken with my psychiatrist about it and she says I am a good person lol. You are a smart, caring cookie I know that you would give me good advice sometimes being only online is stifling.