thank you sis @Shaz51 

hi everyone @Shaz51 @Snowie @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 @Eve7 @moderator @tyme @FloatingFeather @hanami 

i am not coping at the moment.  Mentally and physically i am done.   i had surgery (abdominal hernia) two weeks ago, not allowed to do any heavy lifting for 6 weeks.  Hubby took last week off to help me.  Today is first day alone at home and i am not bad.  This is the second hernia surgery I have had in 1 1/2 yrs.

i also have an ulcer which i need to have another gastroscope in a few weeks time to see if medication has helped and healed ulcer.  If not, i don't know.  

my horrible mother is playing her horrible games still - 

she has not phoned me to see how i am; only if i call her she will ask 

i am only calling once every 3-4 weeks and the conversation is only literally not even 2 mins.  it's horrible and cold.  she still doesn't ask about my kids or little A at all.  No interest at all.

Sometimes i think, i wonder if i sh what would she do; would she come to visit or not at all.  probably the latter i would say.   Last weekend i tried to call and left 5 phone messages between saturday and sunday.  No return call from her.  so this morning i called and asked if they were away (as i know they are home, they don't go anywhere).  she replied no, i told her i left all these messages.  her reply was 'oh i never got any messages' next time you call don't leave messages just call.  isn't that what i was doing.

i did buy a mothers day present because i thought i was the better person and would give it to her.  but now after this weekend and her playing her games I am going to get rid of her gift.  i really want to grab something sharp and rip into it. i have so much anger.

my little A is doing so well at school, loves it so much.  her reading and writing is way above prep level.  a big credit to my daughter as she spends lots of time with her reading since a baby.

my son is still os and is doing great.  i can't believe it will be one year next month.  he will be back next year in july - just in time for my daughter's wedding in october.

i have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, actually since start of year.  two legal cases are progressing well,  out of my hands now.  just waiting for a concilator to call me and it could take up to 6 months.

planned for another mini holiday in october this year, was supposed to go last week for our anniversary but just had surgery so postponed it for october.

i am having horrible nightmares at the moment of spiders. huge huge spiders.  horrible.

i am seeing a dietitian this week, hoping she can help with my eating disorder.

i miss you all and i am sorry i have been away for a long time.  i got very upset and hurt and needed time away.

i hope you are all doing okay.

best wishes xxxxxxxxxx