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The timing was terrible. I met this man, whilst at the tail end of escaping family violence. If it had not been for him, & others - I don't want to think about it.
I was expecting that I will have break & be by myself & recover. However, this new romance began instantaneous.
Now, it has been a very dramatic, traumatic, whirl wind that is approaching 2 years.
I am, have been, in depths of trauma. I don't feel as though we ever had chance to meet, as people 'normally' do, with maybe way less baggage.
Since escaping, I have felt like I am trapped in a fire. I am getting support & I am proud in my recovery.
The only thing I knew about men, is that they were scary, & mean, & violent.
Look at all the wars. This was created by men - not women. Look at the prisons. They are filled with violent men.
My past has taught me, that men are never to be trusted.
I am unsure if wedding bells are heard in the distance for me.
Hypothetically - if they are, that is wild to try and comprehend.
Living with another man, terrifies me.
I will never know, how close I was to becoming another statistic. I cannot emphasise how minute the possibilities of me escaping this family violence, with myself intact, - were.
I don't have anyone, other than negative experiences, to compare this new man with. I notice I get triggered often. I can't seem to heal & break free.
He has seen me at my worst, he has seen me in trauma, he has seen me with total lack of self control. And, he is still here.
I don't want to have another relationship that goes nowhere. I want to know, that I am as important to him, as any woman deserves. I want to understand, & know beyond all doubt, that I will always be treasured, respected, loved.
Two years, feels like long enough, despite the massive mountains he & I have climbed, together, & seperately.
There is so much anger, & determination & injustice within me - I entertain the notion that I will never get married, until, not one more, woman, child or man, is subjected to family violence. During my escape, I witnessed far too many, gaping holes in the system that was supposedly designed to protect me, & keep me safe. It was not the system that eventually rescued me - it was despite the system that I managed to escape.
Um, yes, so that gives you an idea of my headspace.
I don't want to deny myself long overdue & profoundly deserving, happiness - if it is already here for me, but, maybe, I cannot see it yet, clearly, enough.
On the other hand, my head feels unsure. My mind is open. I think I know who I am - I don't think I know, who he is. This seems very odd to me, that after 2 years, I still cannot discern if he is right man for me.
I ask myself, what if he is 'rebound'.
I have experienced blessed, innocent emotions with him.
He has also been a real P Rick, to me, & I have walked away, hurt and crying.
I don't know if I am crying for now, or for past.
Whatever connection we have - I have never experienced this intimacy or closeness at all before now. It kind of stuns me & I am speechless. I enjoy simply being with him.
It is so hard for me to believe that what I have is true.
I want to.
It's like, I am very frightened that the past has damaged me too much. I am frightened of losing an opportunity, because the fear of men, and people, and relationships, friendships etc scares the heck out of me.
I think I want to know for sure, that this man is the real deal.
I feel like I am continuously being tested.
I think that's all.
Thankyou for reading
Peace Out 🎤
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