My elephant in the room - Dependent Personality Disorder

[Appleblossom]

Moo moo ...cows can be quite orderly when trotting to the dairy @Teej I really get that you did not mention the surgery to your team.  When a lot is going on, there is simply not enough time scheduled to cover all the little practical t crossing exercises and the big main ones.

Sorry things are at that level for you.  They h ave been HUGE for me but I am getting on top of it today despite silly glasses story.

@Teejmost people's sense of competence comes from repetiition .. just doing the same thing. As mums we have to be far more flexible, shift our lenses all the time, and our actions and feelings.  Most important is to keep being here ... through the ups & downs.

I have tried to learn how to do @Faith-and-Hope's tick thing and managed it a few times, but then promptly forgot.  SO it really is easier and less time consuming for me to type out

tick tick tick

We are all special and I will let that be skill I dont soooper NEED to learn.   its her thing.

@Faith-and-HopeWishing you the best with the therapy investigation.  Men are sometimes very SLOW at maturing or growing up.  It can be tightrope walking and walking on eggshells at the same time.

I am quicker with my mouth in standing up to my ex in our recent discussions. They are every 2nd day this month with son's 2nd episode.ie getting him (father) to reflect a little more sensibly rather than express coy surprise at a behaviour that his son learned from him..  Dad hides behind money all the time and started making this about money between us, rather than sticking to the point,  Money does not buy everything though. A lawyer charges $1650 for what costs 8c photocopy at Officework and a tramfare into the city to lodge a form ...give me a break ... I now know a few legal eagles socially and I am treating them as poor wounded charging bulls. Polite Distance works best .. and the barrister might actually apologise ... My son is starting to realise. Lucky I used to work in a court. 9 reincarnations ago.  I did do a few hours research to figure out which one page form was needed ... 

I am not saying that is what you should do (separate or argue unecessarily) now as I sense you are all stretched too thin. My brother was in a delicate situation where despite LOADS of money things were not working ... the pressure is off his wife as he is dead now ...  but that just pushes agenda forward  ... best find ways that dont make us sick ... Preserve your family resources and go for the most just outcome. WHen things go snap it is harder for anyone to takes things in.as defences are up.

After 15 years of separation and plenty of privacy we are mostly communicating well enough for effectiveness if not a great Hollywood love. I will accept a moon when I aimed for the nebulae ... not fussy... just do not want any more deaths.

I know some people engineer space into their marriages .. having a shed ... a holiday house ... a club ... in order to mediate relationship stressors.  Where is your art studio??  

There are tipping points. Human beings and human nature can only take so much ... I wish for you there is growing and reconciliation and he becomes wholesome hubby.again ... but also no longer as naive. Things do sometimes have to run a natural course.  Like the flow of a river,

Fingers Crossed.

For both of you.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks so much @Appleblossom ..... ♥️

My perspective is that the e.d. needs to be taken out of our equation before anything else can be seen clearly ..... because it is perpetuating its own aggression.  If that’s not true ,.... let’s start with that .... finding that it’s not true ..... which doesn’t involve sweeping it under the carpet, labelling it a “set of slights”, and telling me that I am imagining things ...... (all true to date).

Absolutely relate to an eggshells-on-tightrope-walk ...... grrrr ..... if somebody hears me and sees me in all this, that is all the validation I need.  With the e.d. on board it’s not an even playing field, and anyone trying to tell me that his e.d. is my fault is just insult to injury.

The rest we can work out for ourselves, I expect.  We’ve worked a helluva lot out for ourselves to get this far through trials and tribulations uncommon to most people.

[Teej]

I invited the elephant in the room today, I stupidly took her by the hand and led her in. She crushed me. Today I learned the elephant always brings a friend when I invite her in, fear of abandonment. I wanted to SH and wanted/still want to run away. The feelings are overwhelming. 

I ended up ringing MHT which I very rarely do. My elephant had left me feeling like there was no hope and that I’ll never get passed having her and the others attached and no hope of leading a fulfilling life without drama and chaos. The person I got knew me but I didn’t know she knew me. She reminded me in detail of some of my attempts to run away (usually with SH and ending up in hospital in shameful ways). I didn’t know or remember her being part of them and of the great tracking of teej to find her and keep her alive. She reminded me of one particular incident that was really damgerous on my behalf and could have hurt others. It helped to be reminded that I have come a way but I can’t currently convert that logic into feelings I can live with. I’m trying so hard not to run and not face my son just now and to turn it off but I can’t keep hurting him either. The shame is huge. 

It feels like it’s impossible to get passed just now. How do people get passed this part? It feels like it’s part I’ll never shake 😢🤬

[Appleblossom]

@TeejThe pressures on parents are so high these days. How much is good enough?  

I have a peculiar relationship with shame, so I dont understand it in standard ways, and cant advise as such. Just feeling for you. Privacy for mums is not fequently raised, but I think the wounds take time and privacy to heal.  As the wounds are caused deep in relationship with oneself.

Good to just see your profile pic.

[Teej]

Thanks @Appleblossom. I started to post to you earlier today but the wheels fell off. I’ve tried pretty hard to try to cope differently but am self medicating for a reprieve. Thanks again apple. Motherhood sucks really.

I apologise in advance if anyone else is to comment ( @Faith-and-Hope) as I’m expecting a big sleep now. Hugs to you all. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

sending hugs, yes... motherhood is super hard and imagine it only gets more complicated as they become adults...
Hope you sleep safely, take care of you @Teej

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Teej .....

I am here and listening .....

I think the first step to getting past it is to talk about it ..... which you have, you are ....

There is something about bringing it out of your head that seems to help with working things out.

I found it works that way with anger.  It seems to spin when it stays bottled up, and has nowhere to go.

Is this a good time to mention Brene ?   I think you’re in the arena .... and looking for an escape from it ....when maybe the best thing for the moment is to accept that that is where you are, and it’s the start to working your way out of it in baby growth steps.

Have you seen me write that S2 is expected to make a full recovery, and fairly rapidly ..... and we are talking about a p.d. .....

I know there are many different forms of p,d, .... and this one stems from a perfectionist personality, and this personality type is prevalent in wh’s family.  But what makes it a p.d. instead of just a personality type is that it is in a disordered state.  Without trying to simplify it too much, part of the teaching he has received is that the disordered state can be re-ordered.  

That is what you are working towards, but it also involves sitting with it a bit in the process, when the natural reaction is to numb or run.

[Teej]

My old GP used to tell me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I used to joke with him that I had it mastered. The sad truth is I really do. I’m so flipping naive and stupid and so intense and hormonal and self destructive......all behaviours you have all heard before. 

I thought of Brené today @Faith-and-Hope  and then came here to post and saw your last post after I’d tried to find a thread I could go under the radar :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤭. I stepped into the arena and got flattened. I feel like a joke. How could anyone ever take me seriously. I don’t mind being the joke for most of the time but at my most vulnerable it hurts so much. Everything is lining up for me to go 💥.  I am so hormonal as well so I have all my vulnerabilities lined up waiting for me to light the :bomb:. I don’t know what I want from this because I’m so erratic I want to warn everyone to stay away but then I wouldn’t be writing it either. I’m so confused as to what would help and take the urge to spin the barrel down. Every word in my head is being screamed and lots of swear words are flying and I hate this version of me so much. 

[Snowie]

Hearing you @Teej

You are worth it 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Teej .... 💜

Can you get out of the house  with your dog and go for a walk ? 

It will burn some of the adrenaline that is fuelling your fight/flight build-up and sometimes the cold air hit-ting your senses can jolt you into a different head space.

Being outside makes us a little more aware, accountable, something ..... and it might achieve a re-set for you.