Coping with Grief

[Till23]

Hi @MJG017 

Please read my post of 10 Mar where I have suggested some of the things you have achieved and these are only things I know about in the short while I have known you.

You have achieved an enormous amount - just organising the Ca support group is a massive achievement. Many people are benefiting from your group.
Now you are also supporting people on the forums. You do not have to do this, but you choose to do it because you are lovely person, who is leveraging off their own experience to help others, that’s not a life wasted. You have not had the background that a lot of other people have and yet you still find time and energy to help others. Please don’t underestimate your impact on other people.
Just these two things or either one alone would mean your life was not wasted and yet you’ve achieved so much more.

[MJG017]

@Till23 @tyme 

I think a huge part of the reason why I've just thrown myself into everything this past 12 months is to give me this feeling that I've done something with my life.  I've literally put my hand up for any opportunity that has come along.  Whether it's offering support, studies, training, workshops, interviews for media for fundraising/awareness... I just always say yes.  And while most of that is prostate cancer related where I obviously have a vested interest, I find it so concerning that most people know so little about it... until you're affected by it!  Only then do you seem to learn the truth about how widespread it is, how it's not just old men that get it. 

If you're like me and one of the unlucky ones, you also learn just exactly how aggressive it can be!  Even with testing so many people don't know it's a simple blood test that test if the might be an issue there.  While it's contained to the prostate, it can still be very curable.  Once it escapes though that cure is out of the question.  Add that to the reluctance of a lot of GP's to test younger men and it's terrifying when you keep hearing the same stories of it only being found by luck.

So I am proud of what I've done the past year or so and Ii do think it's so important for my own sake to use what I'm going through to raise awareness and funds for research and services that may help other men going forward.  But even that takes it's toll at times.  Seeing a fundraising webpage or letter with your photo on it saying "If we had the money to solve this particular issue, maybe this guy here would have had a better outcome."  It's not the nicest way to see your self presented.

But throughout it all I think I just really wanted to help people and make a bit of a difference with the time I have left.  Just so that in those final moments when I inevitably look back at my life, there is at least something I can look back on and say "I did do something that made a little difference to someone."  And yes, I do know at the moment I can say I probably have done of bit of that.  It's still the 53 other years of being pretty much alone and invisible that weigh on me.  It feels like such a waste of so many years.  Such a waste of experiences and joy that so many people experience throughout their lives that I never got to experience. 

If you ask people what their most precious memories are, or the ones that have the most meaning.  Most will probably list things like children being born, getting married, celebrations surrounded by loved ones... even something as simple as their first date when they were young.  All those big firsts in life.  I don't have any of them.  Well, one... but i was in my early 40s by then.  I just don't know I can ever find any peace with that.  And not feel like I've wasted so many decades because I was too terrified to venture out of my microscopic comfort zone.  That I made the mistake of being born to a single mother in the 70s so society said that I must be removed from my family, have my identity changed and hidden from me, and given to people who were always going to be a bit resentful that I wasn't their own flesh and blood child.  And then left completely alone to deal with the lifelong psychological impact of all of that.  Of course I know that side of it now.  But up until about 6 months ago it was always that I was rejected by my own mother.  So a life doing anything in my power to not experience anymore of that rejection... all because of a rejection that never happened.

So I think I have tried desperately the past year to do whatever I can to... not be invisible to others I guess.  To be someone people see and appreciate.  Maybe I've focused too much on that and forgotten about caring for myself as well.  But a large part of me feels like since I've spent the vast majority of my life alone, the time for what I need and want is over with.  There's been enough time thinking about that, almost all of it going nowhere.  But its hard to change now.

I know small things stress me out now to stupid levels.  Things that would barely even register before. I know now that I need to take care of myself as well.  That's it's not a weakness to take some time away.  I'm sort of enjoying taking all of this pressure off myself for a few days.  So maybe a bit like your flash back the other day Till, a really tough and unpleasant experience has taught me a lot. 

Having said that, I really doubt I will ever put my own mental health needs before anyone else's.  I just don't think I'm wired that way.  I've spent so much time alone with my own thoughts that I just find the act of chatting to someone, supporting them, more helpful than harmful even when I'm struggling myself.  I just see now that I do need a bit of time to 'top up that cup' as a few people have said to me recently.  Maybe not top it up, but just get something back in there.  I can work on improving that later maybe.

I have been told by multiple people over that past year that I tend to overthink things.  I never disagreed, I admit it, but I always saw it as risk mitigation or preventative maintenance.  Just being prepared for all eventualities.  But I do take their point now.  Maybe that's not always the best way.  I do know when I had periods through my life where the stress and anxiety was so hard to deal with, it was generally thinking about an impending unknown situation that i was being forced into.  And that I had convinced myself was going to go so badly.  But it's so hard to change.

So this is getting long and I'm sure I could go on for quite a while yet.  We all know that! 😁  So I just want to thank you both for taking the time to remind me that what I've done is important, and is appreciated by people...  which means a lot to me.  Maybe too much at times.  But I figure if that people pleasing is too ingrained to stop, at least do it for people who appreciate it and give support back.  I don't think it's really 'people pleasing' then.  Just using skills I've spent a life time honing, and probably perfecting, for good rather than... well 'evil' isn't the right word... 'not good'.  So thank you again to the both of you.  It helped a lot.  🫂🫂

[Till23]

I think you are under-valuing yourself @MJG017 

As I said previously, you have done much more than just the epic amount you have achieved in the last 12 months

You've had all those years of helping people with IT and helping them purchase the right equipment for the right reasons.

You've had your relationship for over a decade. You have a house.

As you know, but probably can't see right now, many people in the world, including many on the forums, have not had children, are not partnered, may never have been or never will be partnered. I am one of those people, so I really see much of myself in what you have written. I could say I've never started a support group. Each person has their own journey in life. 

You could be seen in the media on a wanted poster, at least being the face of a fund and awareness campaign is a positive use of your image.

Many people have had Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) you can look it up and do a test. Many people feel they have “done” little with their lives, some have mostly done negative things. This is definitely not you.

Also, you now know, that you were not rejected, but societal pressures at the time, meant you didn’t grow up with your biological mother. As I’m sure you know from support groups, many people born before mid 70s to single mothers experienced the same situation.

You can grieve that long experience now, it’s not too late. Perhaps a MH professional can help you with that grieving process.

I think, only by putting your own MH needs first, can you have a positive outcome, but that will look different for each person. Being on the forums in some shape or form may be part of that, but it doesn’t have to be either.

I do exactly the same thing with overthinking and feel preparation is important, but maybe it’s not. I think that’s a trust issue, to be able to trust that things will be okay. In the last few years I have also been more reactive to even small stressors and I am trying to let go of that, this has been helped by retiring, because there is less overall stress and mostly it’s stress I put on myself, so it’s not needed at all.

Lived Experience is so important and only now being recognised and give the credence it deserves just ask @tyme.