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I'm struggling to accept that I have OCD. At first I was excited to get diagnosed, so that I'd have an explanation for what's going on, but now I'm scared about what my future looks like. I can't go back into denial, obviously. I'm just frightened of admitting how much of a problem this is for me. And I'm exhausted.
I've had intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of urges to tap, breathe, blink, and walk to feel "balanced", or prevent something bad happening. I'm not the only person in my family with OCD. I was kinda okay with these thoughts, I'd learned to deal with them. They've been with me since early childhood.
But when I was a teenager, the scarier intrusive thoughts started. With time, trauma, and other mental illnesses, these thoughts have gotten more extreme and graphic.
My psychologist has said that I'm experiencing Harm OCD, as well as the symmetry thoughts. We're still exploring what's going on, so maybe other labels will apply too, eventually.
The idea that I can't make these thoughts stop is very hard for me to accept. I really just want these scary urges/images to quit derailing my daily life. I hope I'll eventually feel more content, but right now, I just... don't want to have OCD. I'm so tired. Last year I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa and fibromyalgia. I keep thinking, don't I have enough going on? When will it stop?
Even though I'm upset, I know that it's great to figure out a piece of the puzzle. Turns out, because I didn't know Harm OCD was a thing for most of my life, I was sometimes mistaking intrusive thoughts for actual suicidal ideation/intent... which I have also experienced, but it wasn't always that.
Honestly, I'd just love some kind words... And some empathy from people with OCD, if possible.
Thanks in advance. Again, hope you're all doing alright.
@D1ng0 hello, just wanted to drop in and say you really aren't alone in this. I've struggled with this for most of my life and it can be really hard to manage. But therapy and medication can definitely make a difference in learning how to cope and manage with it.
Ocd is hard enough but Harm Ocd is a whole different ball game. So i know your pain all too well.
Sending you lots of strength and I'm here if you wanna chat 😊
Hey, just wanted to pop in and say it sounds like its been quite tough for you. I'm rooting for you. It takes a massive amount of strength and courage to keep going when life keeps hitting you. While I myself haven't found the answer for this either, I saw this quote the other day which I found somewhat motivating so I thought I would share ( p.s might be a little cheesy)
Hey @Former-Member, thanks so much for the solidarity. I really appreciate it. Makes me feel better, hearing someone else talk about living with Harm OCD, and the fact that you've found things which help you. I hope I can have a similar mindset to you, in the future.
@D1ng0 sometimes just knowing that you aren't alone can bring some comfort. It's definitely not easy to live with but it can be done, it takes practice and patience. Keep trying whatever you can to help and hopefully you find something that works for you.
@D1ng0 Hi I have ocd and have had many different types throughout my life it can be a tricky thing to deal with for me the most helpful thing has been radical acceptance and just saying that yes I am scared but I am going to keep moving which isn’t easy at all and sometimes I still get stuck but I have gone from spending 20 hours a day on compulsions to about 1-2 hours a day so it is possible to improve things.
For me it got to a point where I had to say so what to my ocd because I just couldn’t keep going to way I was. I remember crying in my car once and just saying “fine then just do it end me and my whole family but I cannot keep doing this so if I die I die but at least I will die in peace” and it was scary but it was kind of a turning point because after that I didn’t give in to my compulsions as much and started to get my life back on track
. It still rears up from time to time but I think I have it under control now.
Hey @Eden1919, cheers for sharing your experience. I'm really grateful. I'm so glad you're in a better place, in terms of the time you're spending on your compulsions and how you think about them. It gives me hope in my own life.
Hey @Former-Member, I hope you're doing okay tonight (or whenever you read this). If the offer of a chat is still available... Do you have any advice/insights about telling loved ones about OCD? Especially Harm OCD? I'm not sure how to explain this to someone who's never had these thoughts.
Any tips would be welcome. No worries if you're not comfortable talking about your journey in particular-- resources that you've found helpful would also be great.
