Internal conflict

[creative_writer]

I’m not sure how I can explain this simply. So I have this tendency of wanting to withdraw from people because it feels safer, I guess it’s a trauma response. I also have a tendency of feeling lonely even with people in my life. One part of me wants to crawl into a cave and not have to interact with people. I’m not afraid of being alone, it feels safe. I know it’s not realistic to live in a cave, I just don’t like how I feel distant considering I have people in my life. At the same time I want people in my life, I want to feel connected and want to be loved. I’ve tried so hard to suppress that need, I would end up disassociating around people. I guess I’ve tried so hard to fight for being self-sufficient and independent. I have multiple trauma from my life, ranging from enmeshment trauma, living with a parent with mental illness, bullying and adult SA. Relying on people just seems like a weakness, I don’t want to be weak 

[Ilovepenguins]

Hi @creative_writer,

I know that feeling, I've been feeling it a lot recently. Even responding to posts here on the forums has been a little bit harder than usual.

Have you had a lot on your plate recently? 

[creative_writer]

@Ilovepeguins, I’ve definitely been finding it hard to respond to people, I suppose uni has been so full on lately too. I thought I was weird that I was dreading an outing after uni on a Friday a couple of weeks ago. It’s also been hot, so I keep feeling ill upon standing, and been getting migraine auras today too. I know today was my day off, but I don’t really get a break, because there is always assignment work to do even when I’m not having a full day at uni

[creative_writer]

I had a panic attack in the shower, I feel kind of stupid now

[Ilovepenguins]

Hey @creative_writer, sorry I didn't get notified of your response!

Oh no, I hope you're feeling a bit better now after your panic attack? 

I came across this meme a while ago, it really helps to remind me to do 1 thing at a time 😀

I'm feeling a general sense of the end of year burnouts around the forums and in life in general, it hasn't been an easy year for a lot of us, I hope things start getting a bit easier for you with the year coming to an end. I know i'm really looking forward to the week between Christmas and new years haha

[creative_writer]

@Ilovepenguins, maybe I am a little burnt out, I’ve been constantly getting sick for the past few months, it really takes a toil. I know I’m okay now, I sure hope things remain that way, pesky viral or bacterial infections are not good. My appetite is still awful though.


The panic attack was a response to hearing yelling. The neighbours were yelling, kids will be kids. I was in the shower and I had no idea what was going on so sort of panicked. I did hear a very heated argument between my parents recently too while I was working from home. As much as I hate to say this, I do feel heated arguments like that do affect my mental health and I get panic attacks. I never realised the significance until recently. It was heated to the point I thought my mum was showing signs of SI. Everything is all good now at least. My mum was unwell, she deals with chronic pain, high blood pressure and she has her own mental health struggles.

I hope the festive season is a good break for you. I don’t finish until like the 21st of December

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

I just want to check in to see if you are okay for now? I hear how hard it has been for you. I'm sorry to hear you mum is not well either. 

Please take care.

[creative_writer]

@tyme, I’m just exhausted, need to get up tom so I am going to go to sleep. Goodnight, I hope you rest well ♥️